The Patriot Tax

Our New Life as Republican Constituents

2025.03.05.

My spouse (cousin I share the house with?) and I did something previously unthinkable today.

We’ve been registered independents since relocating to OK from TX a few months ago.

Today, I had myself a scathingly brilliant idea.

Let’s re-register as… REPUBLICANS. (Yes, this state makes you declare - easier to root you out and shoot you later, I s’pose).

So we did.

Why? And why might others consider doing the same, especially in this age of weaponized intelligence, etc.? ¹

Well, it wasn't in our original plans. We moved here in part to put just enough distance between us and certain family members whose political enthusiasm made holiday dinners increasingly unbearable and in part just to be in a slower-paced place that was a bit more affordable.

The plan was simple: live our lives in peace, watch our dogs and kitteh run wild in the yard, mind our business, and avoid political drama.

Then November 2024 happened. DFT. The world collapsed around us.

So today I got this bright idea: start bugging the absolute shit out of Markwayne Mullin, Dusty Deevers, and all the other wingnuts running this state. But here's the thing—in deep-red Oklahoma, politicians like them (bless their hearts) only respond to their base. Were I to speak up as anything other than a Republican? My speakage would go straight into the circular file.

Register as a Republican constituent, though? Suddenly my voice **might** matter—especially if I were to wrap my messages in juuuuust the right **cultural packaging.**

So here we are: newly minted GOP voters (though I must confess: pretty sure the reason I got into the college I went to was because I was the youth coordinator for (get this) Jack Kemp).

But enough about my Republican past. Let's talk about my Republican future and the proposal.

We are ready to be heard. And we have a proposal that any true "family values" conservative should enthusiastically support.

The 10,000% Patriot Tax: A Modest Proposal

Sex traffickers, oligarchs, and foreign disinformation agents are profiting off Americans while paying virtually nothing for the privilege. Sure, we talk about border walls and "protecting our children," but what about the global elite who actually fund and profit from trafficking networks?

My proposal is simple: a 10,000% tariff on the following:

1. Convicted or credibly accused sex traffickers operating businesses that touch American markets

2. Foreign oligarchs with connections to authoritarian regimes

3. Digital disinformation agents using American platforms to undermine our democracy

4. Any entity profiting from political instability and "regime change"

What true patriot could object to making predators pay? What Bible-thumping family values warrior would defend the wallets of those who profit from exploitation?

Welp, funny you should ask.

The Republican Response I Expect

Murrica's Newest GOP Power Couple: Family Values & Offshore Accounts

When I send my proposal to my representatives, I expect (maybe) their masks will slip. After all, many of their campaigns are funded by the very entities our tariff would target.

Republicans like Markwayne (really) Mullin and Dusty (really) Deevers are suuure quick to regulate books, bathrooms, and women's bodies, but suggest regulating the flow of dark money from questionable sources? Watch how fast their "deeply held convictions" evaporate.

It's almost as if Jesus was just for show when them campaign checks start to flow!

Our Constituent Letter

Below is the first draft of the letter I’ll be sending to Sen. Markwayne Mullin and State Sen. Dusty Deevers. Feel free to copy, adapt, and send to your own "representatives" if you're tired of being ignored:

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Dear Senator Mullin,

As a God-fearing Oklahoma Republican (recent arrival to your beautiful state), I’m writing to propose legislation that aligns with your stated commitment to family values and American sovereignty.

I've noticed your strong stance against trafficking and your defense of traditional values.

I deeply appreciate elected officials who stand up for what's right.

Current policies fail to address the root of these problems: the financial enablers who profit from moral decay while hiding behind offshore accounts.

My proposed "Patriot Tax" would impose a 10,000% tariff on convicted traffickers, oligarchs connected to authoritarian regimes, and foreign entities profiting from disinformation campaigns targeting American citizens.

This proposal:

• Punishes predators where it hurts—their wallets

• Defunds anti-American influence operations

• Protects our borders from economic exploitation

• Upholds family values by financially crippling those who profit from exploitation

As your constituent, I expect you to champion this legislation. After all, what true patriot would defend the financial interests of traffickers and foreign oligarchs?

I look forward to your enthusiastic support and would appreciate a response outlining your plan to introduce this legislation.

In faith and patriotism, [Name]  
Registered Republican Voter Recently arrived in Oklahoma [Oklahoma Address]

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The Patriot Tax: A Musical Tribute

Of course, every movement needs an anthem. The Wag Team has graciously provided this musical accompaniment to my new grassroots campaign:

What happens in offshore accounts stays in offshore accounts?

What Happens Next?

My cousin I share the house with and I will be documenting the responses (or lack thereof) from our representatives. Will they:

1. Ignore us completely despite our new Republican credentials?

2. Send a form letter about "considering our concerns"?

3. Actually engage with the proposal before realizing it threatens their donor base?

4. Surprise us all with principled support?

Place your bets in the comments. And if you're feeling inspired to join our "constituent activism," let us know how it goes with your own representatives.

Remember: sometimes the most effective political action is forcing hypocrites to reveal themselves through their own stated values.

Six Votes Closer to Jesus: The Marriage Bill I Never Finished Writing About

I had planned to write a full breakdown of Oklahoma State Senator Dusty Deevers' infamous "Six Votes Closer to Jesus" marriage legislation. You know, the one where he's trying to bring religion into marriage licenses (because apparently, we need more Jesus in Oklahoma government).

Dusty Deevers: Taking Oklahoma to church, one failed bill at a time.

And here’s the YankoBoop for your listening pleasure.

Dusty’s Legislative Passion Plan: Even Republicans Said NO WAY!

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But

But then my day job intervened (thank you, Jesus, for the best job of my life that I just started last month), and I never got around to finishing my post. And if you missed my previous “Jesus Take the Prenup” post about Dusty's l’il crusade, it's worth catching up on some bizarre legislative priorities. ²

For now, though, let’s focus on getting this Patriot Tax proposal to the elected officials. Jesus would surely want us to tax the traffickers before worrying about who signs the marriage certificates, amiright?

1.

2.

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Six Votes Closer to Jesus

Rolled into the Capitol with Jesus on speed dial
Eight bills of pure salvation, each one more wild
"Let's execute some women, keep the marriages locked!"
But them senators just laughed and said, "Dusty, you've been blocked!"

Poor little theocrat
(Six to two!)
Your bills just went splat
(Ain't that true!)
Tried to make Oklahoma pray
But even Republicans said "Hey...
We ain't that crazy today!"

Wanted pregnancy tests at every state line
Said "Lie about God for cash, that's mighty fine!"
Tried to trap folks in marriage with a holy tax credit scheme
Now your covenant's as broken as your American dream

He said "It's all about morality!"
(While pushing pure insanity)
"Just sign here before the Lord!"
(But the committee got real bored)
"We'll make special ed disappear!"
(That's when folks started to jeer)

No more no-fault divorce, that was his plan
"Keep them wives in line," said our holy man
But the votes came tumbling down like bricks from heaven above
Now Poor Dusty's learning what happens when you fake God's love

Poor little theocrat
(Six to two!)
Your bills just went splat
(God bless you!)
Tried to make Oklahoma kneel
But even Republicans can feel
When you're laying it on too thick
And your theology's making them sick!

"There is no distinction in this bill that says you may not lie before God..."
Well butter my biscuit and call me saved, 
Dusty's done found a loophole in the Ten Commandments!

"But you still lost, darlin'... bless your heart."

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The Patriot Tax

Markwayne's muscles flex for the camera crew
While his Bible Belt's hitched to a billionaire's screw
Ten thousand percent on the trafficker's cash?
Watch his face turn white as his morals crash
He'll fight for the fetus but not for the fees
On his donors' overseas debaucheries

Slap that Patriot Tax on the trafficking class!
Watch how fast these hypocrites cover their ass
They'll scream about groomers in library books
But shield the rich perverts with legislative hooks
It's almost like Jesus was just for show
When the campaign checks start to flow!

Down in Oklahoma, old Dusty Deevers
Thinks marriage needs saving from those nasty deceivers
But mention a tariff on Russian sleaze money
And suddenly Dusty ain't finding it funny
He'll regulate uterus, classroom, and prayer
But oligarch wallets? Don't you dare!

They worship a carpenter born in the East
But bow to the golden-haired pussy-grab beast
They'll scream about border walls keeping us pure
While trafficking victims cry out, "What's the cure?"
The answer is simple—hit 'em where it hurts:
The offshore accounts buying their Bibles and shirts!

So here's to the Patriot Tariff's arrival!
Ten thousand percent on their sick sex revival
We're just constituents playing their game
Using their bullshit to bring them to shame
'Cause the only true values these bastards hold dear
Is the donor-class money that flows every year!

Just some God-fearin' folks here, concerned about them foreigners and traffickers...
Why, Markwayne, you look nervous! Is that a Russian oligarch calling your phone?