Jesus Take the Prenup: Oklahoma's Holy Handcuffs
Christian Nationalism Meets Matrimonial Law
Welcome to Oklahoma, where love comes with a contract and a biblical citation. State Senator Dusty Deevers, Christian Nationalist extraordinaire, has filed his Covenant Marriage Act of Oklahoma.
It's his latest effort to legislate love into submission, complete with bureaucratic handcuffs and an escape clause that requires divine intervention.
Oklahoma's legislators are so desperate to sell this deal, they'll bribe you with $2,500 in tax credits to sign away your basic human autonomy. Think of it as legally binding love, Oklahoma style, now with government kickbacks. The Keys to the Kingdom now require proper documentation and three forms of ID.
The Sacred Contract
For just $2,500 in tax credits, you too can sign away your right to basic human autonomy! Oklahoma's proposed "covenant marriage" bill offers couples the chance to prove their love is real by making it legally impossible to end. Because nothing says "till death do us part" quite like state-enforced commitment.
Let's examine the holy fine print:
Want out? Better have evidence that would impress CSI.
"Dead inside" is just not biblical enough.
Mandatory counseling (because nothing fixes a broken marriage like forced conversation).
A chance to make Mike Johnson proud.
Presenting Oklahoma's newest wedding accessory: Holy Handcuffs (batteries not included, escape clause sold separately).
YankoBoop
YankoBoop right here. Play it. Really. Jesus Take the Prenup.
The Divine Details
Our research team has discovered that this bill works on the principle that marriage is only valid if it's harder to escape than Alcatraz. Speaker Mike Johnson, whose own covenant marriage serves as the gold standard for legally binding love, must be beaming with pride.
Terms and Conditions May Apply
Before you rush to sign up for this bargain-basement ticket to eternal bondage, consider the fine print:
Love may be patient and kind, but it requires evidence admissible in court.
Void where prohibited by basic human dignity.
Battery not included (but highly recommended for escape clause qualification).
Past performance does not guarantee future imprisonment.
The Bottom Line
As Oklahoma joins the race to out-theocracy Texas, we're left wondering: what happens when you try to legislate love? Spoiler alert: nothing good, but at least you get a tax credit.
Stay tuned for our next episode, where we'll explore how to turn other basic human emotions into legally binding contracts. Maybe coming soon: "The Joy Covenant: Mandatory Happiness or Jail Time." Or maybe “The Procreation Covenant: Have five kids or pay a fine.”
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#HolyHandcuffs #LegislatedLove #OklahomaOath #TheocracyThings #MaritalMartyrdom
Set to a tune as catchy as a country hit and as sharp as Dusty’s disdain for personal agency, the song is part protest, part parody, and all painfully relevant.
Jesus Take the Prenup
Dusty’s got a plan, y’all, to save our holy land, With a marriage contract tighter than God’s own hand. He says, “Love is forever, no matter how it feels,” But what about the nightmares that no paperwork heals? Jesus, take the prenup, I can’t steer this ride alone. I’m trapped inside this contract, in a theocratic zone. Save me from this circus, Dusty’s dream has gone too far. Jesus, take the prenup, it’s my legally binding scar. Oklahoma Jesus Got some handcuffs made of gold State-enforced commitment Just like back in days of old Funny how these freedom folks Love their chains divine Guess I'll keep on smilin' While I toe their holy line Oh sweet Jesus, take this ring (Contract keeper!) Break these chains of sacred string (Freedom seeker!) Guess I'll wait for adultery Or maybe abandonment 'Cause "dead inside" ain't biblical According to this covenant! Jesus, take the prenup, let me out of this charade. I’m stuck inside a contract that my heart has long betrayed. Dusty’s selling holiness, but he’s only left me scars. Jesus, take the prenup, it’s a prison made of stars. Jesus, take the prenup, I’m begging for release. This isn’t sacred marriage; it’s a bureaucratic leash. Help me find my freedom, this contract’s gone too far. Jesus, take the prenup, it’s a life behind the bars. Gotta show some broken bones Or catch them with the neighbor 'Cause "just unhappy" ain't enough To escape this sacred labor! And remember, folks: Love is patient, love is kind Love is legally binding and requires evidence admissible in court Terms and conditions may apply Void where prohibited by basic human dignity Must show proof of damages Battery not included But highly recommended for escape clause qualification!