Your Social Security Number is Now a Discord Emoji

Tween Team Takes the Treasury: Murrica's Digital Coup, Now With Snacks, Memes, and Syntax Errors

2025.02.05ish. and 06ish. and gosh now it’s 07ish and I still didn’t send this one out. Here you go.

Just another day at the Treasury, featuring a neon cybertruck, a lollipop-wielding billionaire, and the most expensive snack-based coup in history.

Just another day at America's piggy bank, where background checks are now measured in Reddit karma.

In today’s episode of Dumbest Timeline Ever:

Staging a coup required things like military strategy and maybe a basic understanding of some aspect of how gubment works, In 2025, all you need is a Discord account, some USB drives, and a company name that sounds like an OnlyFans competitor (looking at you, Tesla.Sexy LLC).

A Brief Timeline of Bad Ideas

1. Musk buysTwitter "to save free speech" (But that’s not what exactly ended up happening)

2. Creates DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency) because (huh huh, insert adolescent Beavis/Butthead type giggle because) DOGE coin (huh huh, big boy jump)

3. Musk is given access to Treasury systems.

4. DOJ finally says "hang on a minute, there, Tex, maybe letting unvetted teens handle Social Security data isn't great."

5. Everyone realizes the data has already been copied (surprised_pikachu.jpg). Duh. Can’t unring a bell. How about we don’t let Musk hijack the election machines, steal an election, and put a fascist in office, while juuuuuuust enough Magats are juuuuust hateful enough that they rally and cheer for their own demise. Yeah. How about we don’t do that.

Beyond the Memes

Don’t know about you, but my Social Security number is pretty important to me. But oh well. Sure all this info is fine in the hands of little ones with previous work experience like "soliciting DDoS attacks" and "being really good at Fortnite."

Reality Check Corner

• A teen who goes by "Big Balls" online now has WRITE access to federal payment systems (oh, wait, they switched it to read only, thanks).

• Background checks accept Discord mod experience as a qualification? (HA! Background checks…).

• The same people who think plane tickets cost $2 are totally fine with this (or maybe just the Magats saying “Oh, that Donold when HE says plane tickets are $2” (he lowered THAT price - sorry - forgot all about the eggs thing).

• Musk is still mad about California choosing real trains over his vacuum tube fantasy.

The YankoBoop

Because some situations are so absurd, they can only be processed through music. Here's the latest addition to the "Everything's Fine, This Is Fine" playlist:

What Can You Do?

• 🎵 Subscribe for more songs about our slow descent into absurdity.

• 🔄 Share if you've ever wondered why we don't require at least a driver's license to run federal systems.

• 💭 Comment below with your favorite "how did we get here?" moment.

• 🏃‍♂️ Run (just kidding, your location data is already compromised).

#TeenageMutantNinjaTraders #HotCheetosHackers #PowerPointPutsch #SnacksAndSedition #WhoNeedsBackgroundChecksAnyway #CybertruckCoup #TeslaDotSexyLLC #ThisIsFineEverythingIsFine #VacuumTubeVendetta #TwoDollaPlaneTickets

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From the "Mixtape on the Titanic" series, where I document democracy's descent one YankoBoop at a time.

💸 Support independent journalism that still thinks letting teens handle Social Security data might be bad (ackshually).