Woke Zoo

JD Needs Sump'n to Do

Mar 30, 2025

Executive Disorder: The National Zoo's Radical Animal Agenda

Just when I thought the Trump-Vance regime couldn't possibly find new territory for its culture war crusade, these fellas and their enablers have managed to outdo themselves.

On March 27, 2025, DearLeader45/47 signed an executive order directing VP JD to remove "improper ideology" from institutions such as the National Zoo and other Smithsonian entities.

The National Zoo. Hotbed of radical leftist indoctrination that it became under Jabiden.

But what exactly means this: "improper ideology" at a zoo? Are the monkeys hosting critical theory book clubs? Are the flamingos forming queer collectives? Is the sloth teaching anti-capitalist resistance through deliberate non-productivity?

The executive order (EO #9- bazillion) specifically targets the National Museum of African American History and Culture and the American Women's History Museum, suggesting these institutions present "divisive narratives." It also recommends reinstating Confederate monuments (because nothing says "patriotism" quiiiiite like celebrating those who tried to break up the nation that other time back then, you know, so they could keep slaves and whatnot) and mandates that the Women's History Museum not recognize transgender women.

This latest move follows a string of embarrassing national security blunders, including Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's Signal chat controversy and National Security Advisor Michael Waltz's public Venmo account that revealed connections to hundreds of associates.

I bring this up again only to point out: all this other attempted distraction bullshit is NOT removing the Heggy-led text-y fistbump-USflag-fire “we bomb at 2” from the headlines, much to Hillbilly Isis’s chagrin.

Clearly, though, the real threat to America isn't officials leaking classified information—it's the progressive penguins.

In honor of this monumental moment in zoo-based culture warfare, the Wag Team has produced a new hit single imagining VP Vance's harrowing encounter with the subversive animals of the National Zoo.

"Zoo the F*** Do You Think You Are!"

Couldn’t pick which I liked better for cover art, so you get both of my masterpieces.

And the YankoBoop. Right here.

0:00

-1:35

Inspired by Creepy Veepy’s new mission to de-woke-ify the nation's animal exhibits, I've imagined his nightmarish confrontation with the radical fauna of the National Zoo. From unionizing chimpanzees to gender-theory-teaching meerkats, this avant-garde jazz rock track with theatrical Broadway flair captures the paranoid spiral of a man who sees leftist indoctrination lurking behind every cage.

I’m not even kidding.

Really American Media - Trump Targets "WOKE ZOOS" with INSANE New Order

The song follows the confused VP as he discovers the horrifying truth: the animals have been reading theory, organizing protests, and worst of all, using they/them pronouns. By the end, he's completely unhinged, calling for ICE to raid the iguana habitat while desperately searching for his beloved furniture.

Meanwhile, In Actual National Security News

While the 45/47 regime focuses on the pressing issue of woke zoo animals, let's remember what's happening with actual national security:

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared classified information about Yemen airstrikes in a Signal group chat that included a journalist (not letting you push that out of the attention with this bullshit distraction) [Wall Street Journal] 1
The CIA director had to publicly declare that Hegseth "was not drunk" when discussing bombing plans (reassuring fer sure)[The Independent]2
National Security Advisor Michael Waltz had his Venmo account set to public, revealing hundreds of his personal and professional connections [Global News]3
The DOJ won't prosecute anyone over the Signal chat fiasco because reasons

But don't worry, America's greatest threat—progressive penguins with pronoun pins—is being handled with the utmost urgency.

This Week's Reading Recommendations for the Resistance:

"Zoos: A Critical History" by Elizabeth Hanson — Because nothing is more dangerous than understanding the complex colonial history of zoological gardens. 4
"All We Can Save: Truth, Courage, and Solutions for the Climate Crisis" edited by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson & Katharine K. Wilkinson — A collection sure to trigger the administration, featuring women writing about science. 5
"The Lorax" by Dr. Seuss — A refresher on environmental messaging that's surely on the verge of being labeled as "improper ideology." 6

💥 Did a radical lemur steal your heart? Subscribe to keep Democracy on Hospice alive! 💥

👇 Comment below with which animal you think is the most dangerous threat to American values. Is it the koalas with their slow-burn marxism? The flamingos with their fabulous stance on gender? 👇

🔄 Share this YankoBoop with anyone who needs a laugh while democracy crumbles!

Turtles

suspiciously slow - possibly conserving energy for the revolution

Peacocks

flamboyant display of colors suggests LGBTQ+ sympathies

Owls

excessive reading habits; suspected academia connections

Dolphins

communicate in code; may be passing classified information

Elephants

never forget... especially past injustices - dangerous

Beavers

building infrastructure without permits - socialist tendencies

Eagles

becoming increasingly critical of "freedom" definition

Llamas

refusal to recognize authority figures; spitting incidents

Meerkats

always on lookout for "threats" - paranoid surveillance state

Red pandas

red. 'nuff said.

📜 OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL ZOO COLLECTIVE 📜

We, the residents of the National Zoo, categorically deny all allegations of improper ideology. The gorillas have never read Chomsky (the pages are too small for their fingers), and the claim that our penguins formed a "gay agenda book club" is simply speculation based on their formal attire.

The prairie dogs are not "building tunnel networks for underground resistance" but are simply following their natural instincts, much like how Mr. Vance follows his natural instinct to romance household objects.

We request that the Vice President complete sensitivity training before his visit, as the last time a conservative politician entered our grounds, three elephants filed for PTSD compensation.

Respectfully submitted,

The Zoo Residents

(Dictated but not read; lack of opposable thumbs)

🪑 FURNITURE CORNER: Comfort for the Veep 🪑

BREAKING: White House sources confirm JD Vance has requested "emotional support furniture" for his upcoming zoo inspection tour. His requirements include:

- One (1) mid-century modern ottoman (must be "curvy but firm")

- Two (2) plush armchairs (for "strategic planning sessions")

- One (1) antique chaise longue(for "moments of constitutional crisis")

Secret Service has been instructed to pre-screen all furniture for leftist literature hidden between cushions and to ensure no upholstery contains recycled materials, as that would constitute "environmental propaganda."

Staffers have been advised to look away discreetly when the Vice President requires "private time" with particularly attractive display cabinets.

#ZooAnarchyIsRea #FurnitureForVance #WokeWarthogBrunch #AOCPettingZoo #IBlamedThePandas #SlothsReadingMarx #QueerFlamingoBrigade #SaveTheIguanasFromICE #CapybarasTalkingPrivilege #IgotCanceledByAZebra #VanceVsVulture2025 #NationalZooConspiracy

Until next time, when I'll prolly be covering executive orders against the radical leftist agenda of aquariums? National parks? The concept of gravity? Who can say.

Keep wagging against the machine,
JJ-TaxNinny
Democracy on Hospice (DOH!)

Disclaimer: The Wag Team and Democracy on Hospice (DOH!) are satirical projects created to help us all cope with the increasingly bizarre reality of American politics in 2025. No animals were radicalized in the making of this content, though several have expressed interest in joining our newsletter.

Zoo the F*k Do You Think You Are!

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Uh… why is the zebra holding a picket sign?  
And what the hell is that sloth reading?  
Wait—did the flamingos just cancel me?

I came to the zoo to unwind and reflect  
Instead I got heckled by a woke dialect  
The chimpanzees formed a union on sight  
And a capybara told me my privilege was white

 Zoo the fuck do you think you are?  
Paintin' rainbows on the monkey bars!  
That jaguar runs a mutual aid  
The penguins got paid parental leave today  
Zoo the fuck—you better stop that chant!  
The iguanas meditate and they recite Kant!  
D.E.I. in the lion’s den,  
It’s “Hakuna Matata” with a socialist pen! 

“In today’s news: a gender-fluid otter organized a 
‘Fur is Murder’ protest by the seal pool.  
The administration has yet to respond. Back to you, flamingos.”

The parrots misgendered me ON PURPOSE I swear  
The hyenas just laughed—oh god they don’t care  
A koala taught C.R.T. to a whole first-grade class  
And the warthogs run drag brunch with flair and sass!

Zoo the fuck—you got theories now?!  
A peacock just cited bell hooks somehow  
The pandas podcast Marxist critique  
And the otters toss books from a banned reading week! 
Zoo the f***—I’m filing a brief!  
The kangaroo smirked like a radical priest  
I came for giraffes, now I’m part of a coup—  
There’s a mural of A.O.C. in the damn petting zoo 

“Shut it down! SHUT IT ALL DOWN!  
Get ice on the iguanas—GO GO GO!!!”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared classified information about Yemen airstrikes in a Signal group chat that included a journalist (not letting you push that out of the attention with this bullshit distraction)

The CIA director had to publicly declare that Hegseth "was not drunk" when discussing bombing plans (reassuring fer sure)

National Security Advisor Michael Waltz had his Venmo account set to public, revealing hundreds of his personal and professional connections [Global News]