Welcome to The Grift Emporium: Where Patriotism Meets Profit!
Grand Opening
[For our vision-off patriots: A satirical scene showing a gold-plated figure in a business suit and gold tennis shoes posed dramatically on a pedestal, arms outstretched messiah-style, against a black and white cityscape background. Newspaper headlines about (his) indictments float behind him in a NYC-aesthetic newsstand type area, while angular vehicles reminiscent of failed Cybertruck designs circle below like devoted supplicants. The entire image is housed in an ostentatious gold frame, because subtlety is for losers.]
Beloved Patriots, Conspiracy Connoisseurs, and Future Defendants,
In the illustrious tradition of Trump Steaks™ (as extinct as democracy), Trump University™ (where diplomas are as legitimate as Dear Leader's legal defenses), and other ventures that absolutely did not end in spectacular dumpster fires of litigation, we proudly present our latest triumph in separating fools from their money: The Grift Emporium!
Nestled between towers of alternative facts and a growing stack of mugshots-turned-merchandising-opportunities, our humble newsstand brings you everything the modern cultist needs to maintain his or her (and most definitely not a “their”) carefully cultivated red-pillory.
Breaking News
Fresh from his latest courtroom performance (standing room only, five stars on MAGA-Yelp), Dear Leader has declared his intention to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America1—because nothing says "stable genius" quite like trying to rebrand an entire body of water.
Ocean Renaming Collection
Atlantic Ocean? More like "Trump's Big Water™"
Pacific Ocean? Now "America's Really Big Water™"
Mediterranean Sea? Introducing "The MAGA Moisture Zone™"
Special Post-Holiday Bundles
The "I'm Under Indictment But Make It Fashion" collection
"Classified Documents Monthly" subscription box (now with free paper shredder!)
The "My Billionaire Donors Bought Me This Presidency" commemorative plate set
Just Dropped
The Gulf of America Bath Bomb™
(Formerly the Gulf of Mexico Bath Bomb - rebranded for your patriotic pleasure!)
Now available with Freedom Fizz™—a proprietary blend of fake patriotism and real oil slicks, guaranteed to leave your bathtub feeling as murky as the state of democracy.
The Promise
The Liberal Media Won't Show You This!
A pristine scene of Dear Leader's vision for American bathing, complete with patriotic rubber ducks floating in crystal-clear water. Note how the dolphin hasn't fled and the water is still that suspicious shade of natural blue that Dear Leader plans to eliminate. The bath bombs await their destiny, their neon-orange glow matching perfectly with Dear Leader's complexion. A Mar-a-Lago-approved gold bathtub stands ready to be great again.
The Reality
The Deep State Can't Stop This!
Watch as Dear Leader's face oversees the transformation of your mere mortal bathwater into a proper environmental catastrophe! The innocent blue water darkens to a more patriotic shade of industrial runoff, while the rubber ducks begin questioning their life choices. The dolphin is clearly a crisis actor hired by the radical left. Those aren't pollutants in the background - that's Freedom Residue™!
As Seen on Patriot TV!
As Seen on Patriot TV!
The final form of bathing excellence! Now featuring our signature oil rig (small enough to fit in your tub, big enough to own the libs), and water so perfectly contaminated it's turned a beautiful shade of industrial prosperity. The rubber ducks have evolved into their final form - Patriot Waterfowl™ in regulation green. Dear Leader's image now glows with the same ethereal shade as the miniature oil rig, proving this is all part of the plan. The gold seal of Patriot TV approval confirms this is the most tremendous bath bomb in history, maybe ever.
Environmental Impact Ratings
As certified by the Trump Environmental Protection Agency
Endangered Species Impact: 5/5 Extinct Dolphins
Guaranteed to make marine life reconsider their habitat choices. Perfect for the patriot who believes dolphins should pull themselves up by their flippers.
Carbon Footprint: Tremendous
More carbon than all the windmills combined! Large enough to blot out the sun, but small enough to fit in a Mar-a-Lago-sized denial.
Water Quality: Beautiful Clean Coal™
Now with 300% more 'natural' oil sheen
Environmental Compliance: EPA Disapproved
As regulation-free as Dear Leader's business ethics
Premium Features
Authentic Oil Rig Topper
Mini drilling platform that actually leaks!
Freedom Ducks™
Watch them turn from yellow to petroleum-black in real time
Patriot Particles™
Clean coal fragments for that authentic Gulf experience
Choose Your Level of Patriotism
Executive Privilege Edition
$59.99
For the aspiring autocrat
Classified Document Storage Solution (waterproof folder included)
Choice of 'Totally Innocent Orange' or 'Indictment Blue'
Complimentary 'I'm A Very Stable Genius' rubber duck
'No Quid Pro Quo' guarantee*
*Guarantee void if subpoenaed
Mar-a-Lago Elite Package
$249.99
When basic corruption isn't enough
Miniature gold-plated surveillance cameras for your bathroom
Special 'Deep State Detection' pH strips
Limited edition 'Border Wall' bath caddy
Bonus: FBI Raid Preparedness Kit
Lawyer not included
Billionaire Donor Special
$1,776.00
Democracy was never this luxurious
Personal call from Dear Leader's favorite impersonator
Authentic piece of 'clean coal' from Dear Leader's collection
Custom map showing all bodies of water renamed after you
VIP access to next coup attempt
Pardon availability subject to whim
Patriot Packages™
Because true patriots need the complete experience
'Lock Her Up' Loofah - $29.99
Rough enough to scrub away democracy
'Stop the Steel' Soap Dish - $45.99
Made from recycled election fraud claims
'Alternative Facts' Air Freshener - $19.99
Masks the smell of corruption
Monthly Loyalty Programs
Subscribe to tyranny, save on shipping!
The Insurrectionist Special
$99.99/month
New indictment-themed bath bomb every month
Fresh mugshot collectible cards
Monthly 'Deep State Conspiracy' newsletter
The Supreme Court Package
$149.99/month
Constitutional Interpretation Bath Salts
'Rigged Election' Bubble Bath
Monthly legal defense fund contribution
SPECIAL OFFER!
Order in the next 45 minutes and receive a FREE "I Won By A Lot" commemorative towel! (Offer void where democracy is still intact)
SUPER SPECIAL OFFER!
For only $1,776.00 billion, you can sponsor an oil rig-shaped bath bomb and receive a personalized letter of gratitude signed (or stamped) by Dear Leader himself. Note: Autograph authenticity subject to future legal proceedings.
AS SEEN ON TRUTH SOCIAL
What Real Patriots Are Saying
Real American Patriot (@@PatriotPunisher1776)Re-truths:
Finally, a bath bomb that owns the libs! My water is so contaminated now, the EPA tried to declare my bathroom a Superfund site! 🇺🇸
Digital Warrior Mom (@@QAnonQueen)Re-truths: 45K
The map that comes with the Billionaire Package proves the Gulf of Mexico was always meant to be American! Do your research! 🌊
Future Insurrectionist (@@MAGAMike)Re-truths: 88K
Used the Executive Privilege Edition and now my bathroom smells like freedom! Also, my rubber duck turned orange and won't stop tweeting.
Verified Patriot Reviews
(All reviews definitely real, not at all made up)
Karen from Conspiracy County
🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅
The Deep State tried to stop my delivery but I caught the FBI agent planting evidence in my bath water!
Brad (Totally Not a Bot)
🦅🦅🦅🦅
Used this during my court-mandated hygiene session. The judge was not impressed but my cellmate loved it!
Freedom Fighter 1776
🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅
The oil slick it leaves behind matches my coal-rolling truck perfectly! Take that, climate scientists!
INTERNATIONAL ACCLAIM
World Leaders Love The Gulf of Trump™!
(Authenticity guaranteed by Truth Social fact-checkers)
Totally Real Kim Jong UnNorth Korea
"Finally, someone who understands proper water renaming protocol! Big water, ocean water, best water!"
Definitely Not Fake PutinRussia
"Most impressive manipulation of natural resources. Will trade two slightly used oligarchs for lifetime supply."
Authentic Hungarian LeaderHungary
"Perfect gift for aspiring autocrats! Makes dictatorship feel fresh and clean!"
Legal Disclaimer:
All endorsements guaranteed to be as authentic as Dear Leader's election fraud claims. Any resemblance to actual world leaders, living or under sanctions, is purely coincidental.
ACT NOW!
Don't Let Democracy Stop You!
🚨 URGENT PATRIOT ALERT! 🚨
The Deep State doesn't want you to see this offer! Subscribe now before they can stop us!
Coming Soon to The Grift Emporium:
The "Totally Legitimate Election" Collection
MyPillow Guy x Dear Leader Collaborative Drop
Supreme Court Trading Cards (Justice Thomas Edition)
And more products you didn't know you needed until Fox News told you to be angry about them!
Subscribe to join our elite group of:
Digital Warriors
Future Defendants
Professional Victims
Constitutional Scholars* (*no actual knowledge required)
FREE BONUS:
First 100 subscribers receive our exclusive guide: "How to Blame Everything on Windmills: A Patriots Guide to Avoiding Personal Responsibility"!
*Warning: Side effects may include cognitive dissonance, selective memory loss, and an inexplicable urge to donate your life savings to billionaires. The Grift Emporium is not responsible for any loss of dignity, critical thinking skills, or democracy that may occur during use.
🎯 PATRIOT PARTICIPATION OPPORTUNITY ALERT 🎯
Dear Fellow Freedom Enthusiasts and Future Customers,
The Deep State doesn't want us to build community, which is exactly why we need your totally legitimate, not-at-all-bot-generated engagement! Share your ideas for:
What bodies of water Dear Leader should rename next
New scents for our Alternative Facts™ Air Freshener line
Creative ways to blame windmills for your personal problems
Suggestions for future indictment-themed bath bomb colors
BONUS ENGAGEMENT OPPORTUNITY: Tell us about your most patriotic bathing experience! (Note: The FBI has definitely not infiltrated our comments section. Totally safe to share. Trust us.)
💫 SPECIAL COMMENT REWARD SYSTEM 💫
5 comments = Genuine* piece of Dear Leader's ego
10 comments = Certificate of Patriotic Posting™
25 comments = Your own water feature to rename
50 comments = VIP access to next coup attempt**
100 comments = ‘Gulf of America Oil Change Kit,’ which lets you repurpose old bath bombs into entirely new ecological disasters
*Authenticity pending multiple lawsuits **Legal representation not included
Remember: Every comment triggers a liberal somewhere. Do your part!
