The Sunshine State Strip-Down: Florida's Bold Plan to Fight Housing Crisis with Browser History
Where the only thing rising faster than the water is legislative absurdity
Florida. Where the response to every real crisis is to create a fake one.
Can't afford rent?
Don't worry about that – worry about what your neighbors might be watching online instead!
Sure, the peninsula is slowly becoming Atlantis's cheaper cousin, but have you considered the moral dangers lurking in your browser cache?
As property values soar higher than our politicians' approval ratings (when they're all like “polling their donors” and stuff), the Sunshine State has developed an innovative approach to crisis management: Just create a bigger, more distracting crisis. Who has time to worry about trivial matters like "shelter" and "survival" when there are pixels to police?
The YankoBoop
Ya heard it here.
Now Streaming On:
Spotify (Catastrophe Mix)
Apple Music (DeSantis Approved Edition)
Amazon Music (Beachfront Property Pricing)
PanicPlay™ (Moral Crisis Edition)
DeregulationTunes™ (Everything's Fine Mix)
FloridaMan Radio (Gator-Free Version)
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Your rent went up faster than sea levels
Your browser history is cleaner than your hurricane evacuation plan
You've ever tried to pay your insurance premium with "family values"
You think "affordable housing" is just another liberal conspiracy
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#FloridaMan #SinkingState #MoralPanic #HousingCrisis #BrowserHistoryBeforeHousing #AtlantisButMakeItPolitical #DeathByDistraction #PriorityMalfunction #SandcastleEconomy #MoralityOverMortgage #WetButPure #FloridaLogic #SinkOrSwim2024
Part of the WAG TEAM's "Democracy Dies in Double Standards" Collection, featuring hits like "Tokens Always Get Spent" and "Crickets in the Courtroom"
The Sunshine State Strip-Down
Florida's getting pretty hard (But not the way that's now barred!) Your rent's gone up another yard Can't pay the lease But DeSantis stays up late To keep your browsing history straight While property rates fornicate With your release! No more OnlyFans! (But fans, we'll need those) When the climate bans Our clothes! Rising water's wet But don't you fret We're focused on preventing any internet regret While we're all in debt! Insurance premiums went up (That's not the only thing, yup!) The market's getting pretty rough Without consent But look what we're cracking down on— While your landlord's getting crown on We're making sure your browser's drawn More innocent! "Ladies and gentlemen, Florida presents: Homeless? Try being modest! Can't afford rent? Neither can sex workers now! Underwater mortgage? Quick, look at this dangerous cursor!" The beaches may be washing way (Like your savings, one might say!) But we've got time to regulate Your private fun Your house insurance just expired But look what's got our state inspired: Making sure no one gets hired For digital hun! Saving mortal souls! (While we're in the hole!) Watch as climate rolls Through our glory holes! Can't afford to stay? Well, hey hey hey, At least you won't see naked pixels while you're blown away The Florida way! "Coming up next on Florida Today: Ten tips for affording rent! (Just kidding, here's a ban on adult content!) Hurricane preparation guide! (Whoops, sorry, another censorship ride!) And in weather: It's getting hot... BUT NOT LIKE THAT! "Florida: Where the Only Thing Going Down is Property Values!" "Come for the Unaffordable Housing, Stay for the Moral Policing!" "Tampa Bay: Rising Water Levels, Declining Browser History!" "Florida 2024: Making America's Wang More Family Friendly!"