The Hydro-Delusional Blues
When Alternative Plumbing Meets Actual Crisis
In this installment of Mixtape on the Titanic: While Los Angeles battles actual fire-hurricanes, we explore the mysterious case of Canada's largest (and most fictional) plumbing fixture. As Jeff Tiedrich1 documents in his masterful breakdown of hydrological hysteria, we've reached that special moment when climate disaster meets imaginary infrastructure.
The Situation
As LA burns and firefighters battle a literal fire-hurricane, the internet's most reliable source of alternative facts has unveiled his solution: a mythical Canadian mega-faucet that apparently requires:
24 hours to turn (union regulations?)
No actual evidence of existence
Zero water management experts who've heard of it
One very confused Canadian government
But don't worry! The "well actually" brigade has solutions:
Force water on California (consent optional)
Blame Gavin Newsom (naturally)
Buy Greenland (dinner included)
Post through it (essential)
Behind the Music
Inspired by actual quotes and completely fictional plumbing, "The Hydro-Delusional Blues" explores what happens when reality meets alternative water facts. Special thanks to Jeff Tiedrich for his tireless documentation of hydraulic hallucinations.
The Yankoboop
You can play it. Right here. Really.
The Hydro-Delusional Blues.
Seriously.
I’m not making this up.
[CTV News - Canada TV News - 'Very large faucet': Trump taps Canadian river in campaign promise]
A Note from Reality's Plumbing Department
All faucets mentioned were imagined by extremely online individuals. Any resemblance to actual water infrastructure is purely coincidental and should be reported to your local hydrological authority immediately.
Drop a 🚰 in the comments if you've ever tried to explain fictional plumbing to firefighters, or share your favorite "well actually" moment from the hydro-apocalypse!
#HydroDelusionalBlues #GiantFaucetEnergy #AlternativePlumbing #FireHurricaneSolutions #CanadianFaucetGate #WhatFaucet #NewsonmNeedsToSign #GreenlandForSale #PostingThroughDisaster #WaterButMakeItFictional
The Hydro-Delusional Blues
There's a faucet up in Canada, big as your garage Takes a day to turn the handle, that's what Donald told Mirage Empty hydrants down in LA, while the fire-canes roar But Gavin just won't sign the forms to open up that door! Oh the Great Canadian Faucet (Just trust me, folks, it's there) Bigger than a building, takes all day to turn But Newsom just don't care! "We'll force the water on him now, whether he likes or not!" Like protecting women's rights away, that's our Donny's thought Greenland wants to join us too, just ask those paid-off drunks Junior's buying dinner while democracy goes kerplunk "Listen folks, nobody knew water could be so complicated But I know water, I have the best water, many people are saying We're gonna turn that faucet, it's gonna be beautiful Some say it's the biggest faucet ever built, maybe ever!" No expert's ever heard of it, this magic water plan But reality's just fake news when you're the hydration man "Way up north, including Canada" - that's all he'll say While LA burns and fact-checkers drink themselves away Oh the Great Canadian Faucet (Pure fantasy deluxe) Solving fire-hurricanes with stories from his head While reality runs amok! "The hydrants were empty..." "Twenty percent... no, fifty... now none..." "We're gonna force that water..."
Great writing.