Shopping Cart Theory (Walmart Lives Matter)
When Tech Bros Have to Explain Why Some Immigrants Are More Equal Than Others
In this installment of Mixtape on the Titanic: When your perfectly normal day-or-two-after Christmas includes Elon Musk insulting American workers, Vivek Ramaswamy throwing shade at prom queens, and one very concerned feline executive questioning her life choices.
Starring:
Elon Musk in his most "actually, Americans are lazy" role yet
Several thousand H-1B visas looking for good homes
Corporate Cat's growing concerns about the sustainability of face-eating
The ghost of "America First" promises
One very selective immigration policy that absolutely everybody says is "different this time"
Special appearances by:
Silicon Valley's last shred of self-awareness
At least three confused MAGA influencers
Several devastated prom queens
Democracy's stress-shopping at Walmart
One surprisingly well-dressed leopard
The YankoBoop
Play it if you dare. And please.
Streamies Too
Available on Spotify, Apple Music, and wherever else billionaire cognitive dissonance is documented (just kidding, Elon will probably ban it from X)
Context
This piece was inspired by the Great two-days-after-xmas Tech Bro Immigration Meltdown of 2024. In the midst of constant "America First" rhetoric, we found ourselves watching Silicon Valley's finest explain why Americans just aren't good enough for their coding jobs, which naturally called for a dark cabaret response.
Inspirations & Shoutouts
Mad props to Jay Kuo at The Status Kuo for documenting this spectacular self-own. His coverage of the tech bros' Christmas crisis helped shape this musical interpretation.
Additional insights drawn from the collective meltdown on X, particularly before everyone got demonetized.
If you're trying to make sense of this situation, definitely check out Laura Loomer's account - oh wait, never mind, she's been disappeared.
#WagTeam #TechBroMeltdown #CorporateCatConcerns #MAGAInCrisis #SelectiveImmigration #LeopardsAteMyH1B
Shopping Cart Theory (Walmart Lives Matter)
They say, “Bring me your skilled, your tired, your smart, Just not too many who shop at Walmart!” H1-Bs fill their coding floors, While the ‘Murican Dream’s stuck cleaning their doors. Elon tweets in the middle of the night, “Not enough brains to build my next flight.” Ramaswamy’s up with his hot takes, Blaming prom queens for America’s mistakes. They say, “Bring me your skilled, your tired, your smart, Just not too many who shop at Walmart!” H1-Bs fill their coding floors, While the ‘Murican Dream’s stuck cleaning their doors. “Cut the lazy,” they shout, as they cash their stocks, From cubicle castles and office blocks. They love a tax cut, but hate your wage, A Silicon utopia, MAGA’s new rage. MAGA rages, “You’ve replaced my son!” But their leaders say, “We need this run.” The leopard’s teeth now bite their own, In the land of the free, hypocrisy’s grown. So wave that flag, and raise your voice, In the land of immigrants, let’s make a choice. For those who build, create, and dream, Let’s not let billionaires tear the seams. The coding's clean, but the logic's bent, "America First" meets one percent. They'll take your PhD from Mumbai, But your cousin's dreams can just goodbye. In Python they trust, in MAGA they preach, While American dreams slip out of reach. The algorithm's biased, the output's clear: Some immigrants are more equal here.