Selective Sanctity: Religious Freedom Needs a Hall Pass?
Today in Things Jesus Never Said: "Show Me Your Papers"
You know what goes great with communion wine? Pepper spray (apparently).
The friends at Wonkette1 brought me the deeply unsurprising news that the same folks who threw a shitfit about having to wear masks to church (because FREEDUMB!) are now totally cool with ICE conducting raids during Sunday services. Because nothing says "religious liberty" quite like zip-ties in the sanctuary, amiright?
This seemed like the perfect opportunity for a new YankoBoop. After all, if we're going to turn houses of worship into crime scenes, we might as well have a soundtrack for it.
The YankoBoop
Here it is. You can play it. I recommend playing it.
The inspiration for **this** particular bit of musical blasphemy comes from the Quakers, who, in an unprecedented display of rapid consensus (if you know any Quakers, maybe you know this is basically a miracle), decided that maybe, just maybe, turning churches into ICE traps isn't what William Penn had in mind.
Tom Homan (Border Tsar, because of course there is one and he’s it), apparently auditioning for the role of "Guy Who Completely Missed The Point of Every Sunday School Lesson Ever," declared there would be "no safe haven" - not in churches, schools, or hospitals. Because nothing says "law and order" quite like terrorizing people in places of worship.2
Remember: Religious freedom is absolutely sacred and inviolable until someone you don't like tries to pray. Then it's time to call in the tactical unit.
Want to dive deeper into this particular circle of American hell? You can:
Read the full Wonkette article3
Read about the Quakers' lawsuit4
Contemplate how we got to a point where "SWAT team at Sunday service" is somehow a real thing. Subscribe now to get the next YankoBoop directly in your inbox, because apparently reality keeps giving us material:
In Related News?
The same people who thought masks in church were “persecution” are surprisingly quiet about this
William Penn continues spinning in his grave at approximately 3,600 RPM
Jesus remains unavailable for comment (sources say He's not pleased)
Share this post with your favorite religious freedom selective enforcers
Comment below: What's next on the "Things We Used To Think Were Sacred But Are Now Apparently Fair Game" list? Wrong answers only (although at this point, who can even tell?)
Note: This post is part of our ongoing "Everything Is Terrible But At Least We Can Sing About It" series. Previous entries include "The Ballad of Border Walls and Border Lols" and "Thoughts and Prayers (But Mostly Tactical Gear)".
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c1m5xym8541o
https://www.jurist.org/news/2025/01/us-quaker-groups-sue-to-prevent-immigration-searches-in-houses-of-worship/
Selective Sanctity (Jesus Take The ICE)
Welcome to the Church of State Where prayers are good till immigrants pray And riot shields replace the gates of sanctuary They screamed "MY FREEDOM!" through their masks Now jackboots stomp through Sunday Mass Guess Jesus needs a hall pass From HSA "My brothers and sisters, Today we gather to celebrate religious freedom! (Unless you're the wrong kind of religious, Then please proceed directly to detention)" Oh, but don't you dare suggest Their pearl-clutching's insincere 'Cause freedom's only free until Brown people appear Jesus take the ICE Kick down doors on Sunday morning Praise the Lord and pass the zip-ties While the choir sings Deport machine Making church a crime scene Guess God's house needs more policing Jesus take the ICE "Who's ready for some selective enforcement?" "Amen!" "Who's ready to make sanctuary a crime?" "Preach!" "Who's got their Bible AND their body armor?" "Hallelujah!" A hundred grand to fly them out Those COVID masks made Christians shout "You're trampling our sacred right to praise!" But now they cheer as agents raid The sacred spaces God has made Guess worship's just a masquerade When hate pays (Oh, how hate pays!) From World War One to Vietnam They watched the Quakers take their stand Called helping refugees a sin Against the land Now COINTELPRO's greatest hits Get remixed by border fits Guess praying while progressive Is still contraband "And Jesus said unto the ICE agents, 'Verily I say unto you, whatsoever thou bindest With zip-ties on earth Shall be processed for immediate deportation in heaven'" So bring your tactical gear to church Your pepper spray for final verse Communion wine and riot shields Make quite a scene 'Cause nothing says "Amazing Grace" Like ICE raids in a holy place While Jesus weeps and turns his face From what we've been Jesus take the ICE Your house is under new management Thoughts and prayers and border lies While the faithful flee American blasphemy Making God's house ICE's scene Guess some prayers need more policing Jesus take the ICE... "And all God's selective enforcers said..." "Amen."