Profiles in Ineptitude: The FBI's Got Talent
From Prison Choir to FBI: A Very Normal Career Path
24 January 2025
The news — she moves faster than my ability to satirize things. So today I’m getting caught up on the trading card documentation.
Kash Patel. Director of the FBI. Notable achievements:
Produced "Justice for All" with actual January 6th defendants (from prison!) 1
Wrote a children's book trilogy casting Trump as a fairy tale king, himself as "Kash, the Distinguished Discoverer," a wizard-like character fighting "Hillary Queenton" 2
Sells $243.99 six-packs of wine (charity TBD... forever)
Hawks "vaccine reversal" snake oil to patriots3
Cosplays as "Meme-Lord" using stolen Marvel IP
Checking Rolling Stone:4 Patel isn't just Trump's pick to lead federal law enforcement - he's a one-man grift machine who's turned MAGA grievance into a product empire.
The Deep State Idol Story
In keeping with our Profiles in Ineptitude series' mission to document democracy's decline through trading cards (collect them all!), we present Kash Patel's entry into our Limited Edition Grift Pack.
Think of it as a baseball card, but for tracking the systematic dismantling of federal institutions. Instead of batting averages, we measure things like "Crisis Cash™ generation" and "selective amnesia during testimony."
Some career highlights:
Advanced Disastertainment™ Specialist certification
Prison-to-Profit Pipeline pioneer
Deep State Idol™ Season Third Runner-Up 2025
TreasonTots™ bestselling author
Speaking of Grifts...
We're introducing some new terminology to help categorize this particular flavor of democratic decline:
Disastertainment™: The art of converting political crises into profitable merchandise and entertainment ventures. Sure to be lots of this and extra special with dismantling (CANCELATION!) of FEMA. What could possibly go wrong?
Crisis Cash™: Emergency merchandise launched specifically to capitalize on (or distract from) breaking scandals.
TreasonTots™: The fascinating genre of children's literature that turns attempted coups into bedtime stories.
What's Next in the Grift Pack?
Coming soon:
The Supplement Snake Oil Salesman variant card
The Children's Book Propagandist special edition
The "I Was Just There for the Harmonies" collector's set
Now available wherever democracy is sold! (Terms and Conditions apply, must submit browsing history and pledge allegiance to your choice of conspiracy theory.)
A Final Note
If you're wondering "How did we get to a place where the potential FBI Director's resume includes 'prison choir producer'?" - well, that's why we're documenting all this. Someone has to keep track of the absurdity.
Help Document Democracy's Decline!
(Because someone has to keep the receipts)
👉 Subscribe for free to receive new trading cards and Yankoboops while watching democracy attempt synchronized swimming with icebergs.
🎵 Share this post if you've ever watched a prison choir producer interview for a federal law enforcement position.
💬 Comment below: Which grifter should get the WAG TEAM treatment next? (So many options... so little time...)
#ProfilesInIneptitude #DeepStateIdol #DisastertainerOfTheYear #SaveDemocracyAndDogs
And because one form of documentation isn't enough, here's the WAG TEAM musical take.
Here’s a Yankoboop
Catchy.
Disaster of My Dreams (A Federal Love Story)
Kash threw a party in the federal pen
The J6 choir was there, and they all jumped in
The group was hummin' and the guards began to stare
You should've heard those insurrectionists declare
Let's rock! (Let's run the FBI!)
Everybody, let's rock! (Right from inside!)
Everyone who stormed the Capitol that day
Was singing backup in their cells, hey hey!
Mike from Florida played the violin
Steve from Texas kept the rhythm coming in
The QAnon Shaman went "woah, woah, woah"
The whole detention block put on quite a show
Let's rock! (Let's run the FBI!)
Everybody, let's rock! (Right from inside!)
Everyone who stormed the Capitol that day
Was singing backup in their cells, hey hey!
Number forty-five said to nominee
"You're the perfect man to run the FBI"
"Sure I made music with some folks in jail,
But that don't mean I knew why they were there!"
"Senator, I had no knowledge..."
"The album credits say otherwise..."
"I was just there for the harmony..."
"Sir, they were literally in prison..."
Kash turned to Congress with his best defense
"I just thought their voices scaled the prison fence!
Sure they're convicted, but they sing so sweet
Now let me run the Bureau down on Penn Street!"
Let's rock! (Let's run the FBI!)
Everybody, let's rock! (Right from inside!)
Everyone who stormed the Capitol that day
Might end up running the Bureau, hey hey!
"Attention inmates:
The Federal Bureau of Investigation is now
accepting applications from anyone with
prison choir experience.
Law enforcement background optional,
but must have good pitch and strong harmonies."
"Dancin' to the Bureau Rock
("Your application's pending...")
Dancin' to the Bureau Rock
("Have you considered voice lessons?")
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justice_for_All_(song)
https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/king-donald-kids-books-pills-152352131.html
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/kash-patel-maga-merch-memes-history-1235189442/