Phony Stark: The Man Who Mistook His Wallet for His IQ
A WAG TEAM Tantrum in Silicon Major
A billionaire's bedtime story, told by a very concerned philosophical hound.
In This Installment of Mixtape on the Titanic: The most expensive toddler has declared that humanity needs a timeout while he builds sandcastles on Mars.
Starring
One self-proclaimed Chief Twit1 still suffering from chronic main character syndrome.
Several rapidly devaluing social media platforms undergoing midlife crises.
A fleet of cars that occasionally catch fire (in a way he assures us is innovative).
The ghost of Basic Human Decency, now freelancing as an NFT.
One very expensive high chair that, despite everyone’s protests, is definitely a throne.
The Yankoboop
Here you can play it. Recommended that you play it. Phony Stark.
Context
When America’s richest toddler decided to rate the entire country’s work ethic from his booster seat of power, we knew it was time for a proper tech opera. With apologies to Oliver Sacks2—and absolutely no apologies to the self-proclaimed "Twitter Complaint Hotline Operator"—we present: a lullaby for the terminally online.
Breaking News Update
Our sources confirm that during the writing of this piece:
Three more social media platforms were purchased, renamed, and somehow made worse.
The FTC added another entry to their “Seriously, Dude?” list.
Mars has officially filed a restraining order.
Did Elon Musk’s ‘Salute’ Cripple The Tesla Robotaxi?3
Elon Musk Definitely Doesn’t Seem Concerned That Far-Right Extremists Are Cheering Him On4
Editorial Note
This rant was proudly sponsored by Cryhard Coin. Please like, subscribe, and validate my genius. Also available as an NFT that's essentially just a JPEG of a sad rocket with a Verified Blue Check™.
Also vailable on Spotify, Apple Music, and wherever else billionaire tantrums are mistaken for visionary leadership.
Thanks for reading Mixtape on the Titanic! Subscribe for free to support my ongoing digital breakdown while Silicon Valley takes a quick break to change its favorite billionaire's diaper.
#WagTeam #PhonyStarkSnark #MobyJudgesYourTimeouts #TantrumsInTech #BillionaireBootyCalls circa December 2024
Phony Stark: The Man Who Mistook His Wallet for His IQ
Behold the Tech Bro King, his tantrum begins, Throwing blocks at Americans for their “lowly” sins. “You’re lazy, unworthy!” he cries with disdain, While his rockets explode—I guess WE are to blame? In his sandbox empire, the rules are shit, He builds castles of ego that crumble to bits, “Work harder!” he shouts, from his golden high chair, Throwing spaghetti code into the air. Oh, Phony Stark! The Toddler Supreme! Your throne’s a booster seat in a crumbling dream. You call 'em unworthy, but here’s the twist: Your genius is just another grift! Oh, Phony Stark! The Edge lord Bot! You promised greatness but delivered squat! Cry harder, Elon, the workers are mean, No one’s clapping for your AI machine! Cybertruck’s fugly! The Twitter deal’s cursed! Even SpaceX looks like it’s been rehearsed. “Americans are lazy!” (That’s a bold take…) When your genius ideas keep hitting the brakes. Each insult bigger, each meltdown louder, You’re not a savior, you’re just a toddler! “Listen, peasants, I’m the smartest alive! If you don’t believe me, your careers won’t survive! Stop asking for rights or a living wage— This isn’t your country, it’s my stage!” He drops his sippy cup, his tantrum grows, But the workers sigh, “That’s how it goes.” Your fanboys chant, "He's misunderstood!" While he's rating our worth from his gilded throne, The tunnels are empty, the robots won't clone, Each genius scheme ends in "could" or "should." Your empire crumbles, but you don't care, Throwing tantrums and tweets into thin air. A savior of Mars? Don't make us laugh— You couldn't even keep your Twitter staff! Oh, Phony Stark! The Toddler King! Your booster seat’s wobbling, hear the choir sing. You promised Mars but gave us despair, Another man-child billionaire. “Breaking: Local Tech Genius Declares Humanity Unfit for the Future… while spilling his juice box.” “This rant was funded by Cryhard Coin. Please like, subscribe, and praise my genius.”
https://www.salon.com/2022/10/27/elon-musk-has-officially-dubbed-himself-chief-twit/
https://www.oliversacks.com/oliver-sacks-books/the-man-who-mistook-his-wife-for-a-hat/
https://www.forbes.com/sites/bradtempleton/2025/01/27/did-elon-musks-salute-cripple-the-tesla-robotaxi/
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/story/elon-musk-far-right-extremists-afd-germany-cheering-his-salute?utm_source=chatgpt.com