Le Fact-Check Fantastique: When Macron Gave Zero Français

A Musical Commentary on Presidential Pants-ing and International Face-Saving

2025.02.25

Another installment of Mixtape on the Titanic, where I document democracy's downfall with sick beats and sicker burns

If there's one thing more cringe-worthy than a forced diplomatic handshake, it's watching a “world leader” get himself fact-checked while he flails his tiny hands. And yet, here we are, witnessing the diplomatic equivalent of stepping on a rake that someone definitely told you was definitely, absolutely there.

Zee Global Company You Keep

When last we encountered our protagonist in "Amazing Grip (How Cringe the Squeeze)" back in December,¹ he was busy demonstrating his alpha-dog handshake technique to an increasingly unimpressed Macron. Like a dawg marking his territory, but with spray tan and delusions of adequacy.

But this time? This time was different. This time, it was about facts. And money. And who owes what to whom. And most importantly, who gets to rewrite reality on international television.

Democracy may be circling the drain, but at least the soundtrack slaps.

It wasn't the orange one. (shocker, I know)

Speaking of international allies and strange bedfellows, let's take a moment to appreciate this stunning roster of nations voting against a UN Ukraine resolution. When your voting bloc includes luminaries like North Korea, Belarus, and Russia itself, you might want to reconsider your foreign policy positions. Or at minimum, the company you keep.

Welcome to America's autocracy mixer. Nothing says 'leader of the free world' quite like joining the 'Who's Who of Human Rights Violators' club. Democracy sends its regards.

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But as disturbing as our new diplomatic bedfellows are, let's return to the presidential pants-ing. At least someone is standing up for facts.

The Wag Team Presents: Le Fact-Check Fantastique

In the grand Wag Team tradition of musically documenting democratic disasters, we proudly present our latest YankoBoop creation: "Le Fact-Check Fantastique" – a musical journey through diplomatic dissonance.

Here it is. Right here. You should take a listen.

Accordions have never sounded so righteously indignant.

The Actual Facts (For Those Who Still Care About Such Things)

Since facts are increasingly optional in today's political discourse, let's resurrect them briefly:

1. Europe is not "loaning" money to Ukraine with expectations of repayment ²

2. The EU contributes approximately 60% of the total force ³

3. France does not, in fact, get its money back ⁴

4. Russia's frozen assets are a completely separate issue from aid to Ukraine

5. Looking dismissive while being fact-checked doesn't actually change the facts

As the saying goes, "C'est la vérité qui fait mal" – it's zee truth zat hurts. Or in this case, it's the truth that gets your arm grabbed by an exasperated French president while the world watches.

Diplomatic Handshakes: The Ongoing Saga

This incident adds another chapter to what historians will surely call "The Handshake Chronicles" – a multi-volume work documenting the bizarre power dynamics of international grip techniques.

For your notes

• December 2023: The Alpha Dog Handshake attempt meets its Franco match

• February 2025: The Dismissive Hand Wave encounters the Fact Check Arm Grab

What's next in this riveting series of diplomatic maneuvers? The Mind-Boggling Finger Wag? The Condescending Shoulder Pat? The Passive-Aggressive Elbow Bump? Only time will tell, but WAG Team will be there to set it to music.

A Word From Moby

Moby, the 12.2-year-old philosophical coonhound General Manager of the What Moby Thinks Tank, offers his perspective on the current state of affairs:

When a doggo barks up the wrong tree, he eventually loses interest, trots off, and finds something more productive—perhaps a discarded sandwich or a crotch to sniff. Humans (judging by what I see from this one world leader fellow who's giving my mom such derangement) take a different approach. They buy the tree, engrave their names on it in garish gold lettering, and declare it the most magnificent tree ever cultivated in the history of trees. Such is the folly of the opposably-thumbed.

This is why it's hard to argue with me when I say: Dogs are superior diplomats. Territorial disputes are resolved with a dignified leg lift, not years of economic sanctions and performative outrage.

Also, consider this: No one has ever seen me in the same room as Emmanuel Macron. Now, I’m not explicitly claiming to be the President of France moonlighting as a philosophical coonhound, but let’s examine the evidence. Have you noticed how Macron handles Trump—like a particularly persistent tick? That is pure canine strategy at work. And that accent? Simply the result of me speaking normally with a baguette in my mouth. 

So, humans, I invite you to fetch that fact-check. I’ll be waiting, probably outside in the side yard, enjoying this unseasonably warm February weather, contemplating the foolishness of your species.

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Thanks for reading Democracy on Hospice (DOH!). Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work while watching international relations collapse one handshake at a time.

#WagTeam #LeFactCheckFantastique #MacronSlap #DiplomaticDisasterpiece #FactsStillExist #ProjectionMagnifique #HandshakeHorrors #MobyObserves #MixtapeOnTheTitanic #DemocracyOnHospice

1.

2. https://commission.europa.eu/topics/eu-solidarity-ukraine/eu-assistance-ukraine/eu-financial-support-ukraine_en?utm_source=chatgpt.com

3. https://www.elysee.fr/en/emmanuel-macron/2024/04/24/europe-speech

4. https://kyivindependent.com/france-to-provide-ukraine-over-700-million-in-critical-infrastructure-support/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

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Le Fact-Check Fantastique

Bonjour, mon petit menteur, with your alt-reality
Your handshake jerk technique has met its match, you see
Vous êtes un simpleton extraordinaire
Spewing bullshit avec much savoir-faire
Your fairy tales sound better with a gold commode
But Macron's speaking truth, and mon dieu, it shows!

He says, "Sixty percent, c'est nous who pay ze bill"
While you're still babbling 'bout loans that don't exist
Sacré bleu! Your face turns tellement rouge
As reality makes an unwelcome visit

Fact-check fantastique! 
(Ooh la la!)
Your bulge is just a sock inside your sac
Fact-check fantastique! 
(C'est la guerre!)

Your truth just got a French béret-smack
Les adultes sont en train de parler
So suck on this cognac
Fact-check fantastique!

Votre cerveau is like Swiss cheese but worse
You've confused two issues - which comes first?
Ukraine aid est not a money-back guarantee
"If you believe that," you say dismissively
But the whole world watched your petit tantrum
As Macron grabbed your arm like a petulant enfant

You wave your tiny hand, trying to make him stop
But France brought facts to this battle of wits
Quelle horreur! Your ego takes a beating
As your fantasy economics starts retreating

Fact-check fantastique! (Ooh la la!)
Your bulge is just a sock inside your sac
Fact-check fantastique! (C'est la guerre!)
Your truth just got a French béret-smack
Les adultes sont en train de parler
So suck on this cognac
Fact-check fantastique!

Your mère was a hamster and your père smelled of elderberries!
(Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!)
When you think the world owes you personally
C'est projection magnifique!
When you lie through your capped teeth pathetically
C'est rejection scientifique!
You'd be pantless without your enablers
Couvrant ton derrière since day one!

Fact-check fantastique! (Ooh la la!)
You just got pantsed on la télé
Fact-check fantastique! (Sacrebleu!)
Your truth just got a French flambeé
Les adultes sont en train de parler
So au revoir et bon débarras!
Fact-check fan-tas-tique!