It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fascism
A CNN Holiday Special (Your Festive Guide to Normalizing Autocracy)
In This Installment of Mixtape on the Titanic
When territorial expansion gets rebranded as holiday retail therapy.
WAG TEAM presents a musical exploration of CNN's attempt to make imperialism sound like a Doorbuster Deal. Because nothing says "holiday spirit" quite like comparing the potential invasion of Canada to the Louisiana Purchase.
Inspired by CNN's breathtaking attempt to rebrand imperialism as "territorial extension opportunities" (yep, true story), WAG TEAM presents a musical exploration of what happens when a previously (remotely, historically) somewhat trusted news-adjacent network starts sounding like a Black Friday ad for autocracy.
Fun Fact
In response to Trump's threats to invade Panama, Greenland, and Canada, CNN true-story ran the headline: "If he's serious, a territorial expansion would rival the Louisiana Purchase."
(Spoiler alert: One of these involved peaceful negotiation, the other involves tanks. But hey, why let historical accuracy get in the way of a good euphemism?)
YankoBoop
Right here. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fascism.
Starring?
One very busy shopping cart (now with extra space for democracies)
Several soon-to-be-annexed nations (batteries not included)
CNN's "Everything Is Fine" Department (working overtime)
Democracy's growing panic attack (seasonal special)
Moby's "Are You Hearing Yourself?" expression (priceless)
Special Appearances Maybe
The Louisiana Purchase (now with modern warfare)
Putin's approving smile (available in all markets)
Several "territorial growth opportunities" (while supplies last)
CNN's Normalize-O-Matic 3000 (new and improved!)
The ghost of Edward R. Murrow weeping quietly (limited edition)
Context
This piece takes aim at CNN’s peculiar framing of imperialist ambitions as a “territorial expansion opportunity,” a euphemism so egregious it could almost be satire… except it isn’t. When threats to sovereign nations are dressed up as holiday shopping metaphors, it’s time to ask if journalism has checked out for the season.
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It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fascism
Gathering 'round the Christmas tree When breaking news makes nephew see How CNN explains it all away: "Just some light expansion plans today!" Like Louisiana's peaceful way (But with tanks and warfare) It's beginning to look a lot like fascism On every CNN screen! They're calling conquest "territorial growth" While democracy chokes on Christmas froth And Putin's smiling with glee! "Territorial extension plans" Sound better than "invading lands" When headlines need a softer touch To make war crimes not mean so much Just like the Reich... Oops, did we say that part out loud? "Coming up next on CNN: Why empire-building is just good business sense! And later: Are sovereign nations really necessary? Plus: The Louisiana Purchase - A Blueprint for Modern Conquest?" Greenland, Panama, Canada too Just some light shopping for you-know-who While anchors normalize the scene "Like real estate deals!" they preen As democracy screams into the void It's beginning to look a lot like fascism In every breaking news brief! When conquest becomes "expansion plans" And war crimes need jazz hands That's CNN's belief! "Breaking News: CNN rebrands as TNN... Normalizing Nightmares Since 2024..."