I Pour Concrete (Boobs on the Calculator)

Executive Insights from the Remedial Math Department

In this installment of Mixtape on the Titanic: When nepotism meets concrete, and both are structural hazards.

WAG TEAM presents a musical exploration of what happens when the family business is destroying democracy but you can't even quote "Gladiator" correctly.

Starring:

• One dramatically underqualified Executive VP

• Several concrete mixers (smarter than their operator)

• A calculator displaying the full extent of his numerical literacy

• The only Trump who makes Junior look like a scholar

• A hard hat labeled "VEEPEE" (spelling checked three times)

Special appearances by:

• Multiple bankers still recovering from their laugh-induced injuries

• Financial documents written in crayon

• One movie poster defaced with a "THE" (his greatest literary achievement)

• The ghost of every teacher who ever gave him a passing grade

• Democracy's "How Did We Get Here?" moment

With cameos by:

• Eric’s Georgetown fraternity's missing paperwork

• Several prosecutors wondering if concrete can be used as a legal defense

• The entire concept of corporate governance crying in the corner

• One very confused Marcus Aurelius

The YankoBoop

Without further delay. Here ‘tis.

Context

This post was inspired by Andy Borowitz’s hilarious profile of Eric Trump , which detailed the unique intersection of inherited privilege, baffling ignorance, and misplaced cinematic quotes. The piece explored how a man can pour concrete (metaphorically and literally) over democracy while confusing “The Gladiator” for a financial strategy.

A Gift from Me

Special thanks to Borowitz for reminding us all that, in a family where ignorance is a competitive sport, Eric still manages to medal.

Now streaming on Spotify, Apple Music, and wherever else hereditary mediocrity gets set in concrete.

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#ConcreteBrainTrust #TheGladiatorActually #FailingUpwardIndustries #NepotismAndCement #VEEPEEoftheApocalypse #BeavisGotPromoted #WaterboardingWhatNow #CorporateFailSon #ConcreteDefenseStrategy #JustLikeCollegeButWorse #TheTheGladiator #ExecutiveVPofDoom #GeorgetownRegrets #DeltaSigmaPiDodgedABullet #ConcreteSolutionsToImaginedProblems #BoobsOnTheCalculatorHisGreatestAccomplishment

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I Pour Concrete (Boobs on the Calculator)

Executive VP, that's what they call me
Though what that means, I really can't see
Emails show up with some numbers inside
But I just pour concrete, that's where I reside
(Just like Marcus Aurelius in "The Gladiator" said...)

I pour concrete, that's what I do
Don't ask about finances, I haven't got a clue
The bankers are laughing, but I don't know why
Must be my charm and my concrete guy alibi!

Waterboarding's just like a frat house game
(At least that's what I said on Fox News that day)
Georgetown memories are kind of a blur
But Delta Sigma Pi probably did worse
(Or would have if we'd filed that paperwork...)

Junior's got his rallies and his megaphone queen
While I'm just here wondering what these papers mean
Dad keeps saying "Eric who?" when reporters ask
But I've got my concrete and that's all I need to grasp

The prosecutors showed me emails I wrote
About statements and figures and things of note
But that's fake news, I only pour concrete!
And sometimes confuse movies when I tweet
(Was it not "The Gladiator"? Are you sure?)

I pour concrete, that's all I know
Don't ask about business, just watch it flow
The bankers are laughing, must be my charm
As I mix up my movies and cause judicial harm