How to Hurt Apple's Board When You Can't Leave the Ecosystem
Tips from an Old Lady Who's All In and All Done (A Case Study in Strategic Pressure When Direct Action Won't Do Jack Shit)
2026.01.27
Just like my parents, Tim Cook chose Trump over me.
I’m a long-time Apple person. Not the sort who ever needed advertisey-dorkwear like Apple t-shirts or stickers or a quirky personal email address cleverly incorporating some “look at me and my premium computer products taste and stuff.” Nope. None of that.
But just short of that? I AM the F*KING APPLE ECOSYSTEM. Two MacBooks (one docked, one for porch and recliner and bed and transit and sofa and babysitting during chemo). iPad. iPhone 16 Pro Max. AirPods Max. HomePod.
Apple Notes. Apple TV (running out of unboycot-worthy streaming services). Apple Music (Fuck Spotify). iCloud Pro family plan. 48,524 photos synced (only 3,913 of Moby).
YOU FUH-CKERS.
APPLE:
I am your ecosystem.
Yesterday I saw this here post from a like-minded internet stranger and thought: Yeah. Me too.
Dear wise like-minded internet stranger: I see you.
Back to Tim Cook
Saturday night, January 25, 2026. Hours after ICE agents slaughtered Alex Pretti—a 37-year-old VA ICU nurse, unarmed, recording on his phone, Tim Cook (aka Tim Apple) was at the White House eating commemorative popcorn at a private screening of Melania. Continuing his insistence on appeasing this monster at every opportunity.
A law-abiding American citizen exercising his First and Second Amendment1 rights was executed by federal agents in Minneapolis.
And Tim Cook thought that was a perfectly fine day to go orange up his tonsils at the White House.
Here’s what happened that day:
Alex Pretti’s last act on earth was stepping between a federal agent and a woman that agent had just violently shoved to the ground. He had his phone out. He was recording. His hands went up. They pepper-sprayed him twice in the face, dragged him down, discovered he had a legally carried firearm in a holster, and shot him multiple times while he was already incapacitated on the ground.
Within hours, Trump, Stephen Miller, and DHS were calling him a “domestic terrorist” who “tried to assassinate law enforcement.” The video shows they were lying. All of them. About all of it.
Within minutes/hours, Trump, JD Vance, Stephen Miller, and DHS called Alex Pretti a “domestic terrorist” who “tried to assassinate law enforcement.” All lies.
Alex Pretti was an ICU nurse at the VA hospital. He spent his career saving the lives of veterans. His ex girlfriends and former students and recent colleagues all sing his praises. This man was basically a freakin’ angel.
And federal agents killed him for legally recording them on video and legally carrying a firearm ON HIS BACK. 2
And my boy Tim Apple attended a Melania viewing that same night.
And Then There’s Tim Apple’s MLK Problem
Tim’s Twitter bio features a Martin Luther King Jr. quotation: “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’”
For realz.
What was Tim Cook doing for others? On Saturday, Tim Cook was eating popcorn and singing along with the Melania Waltz (or some shit) while the administration executed more citizens.
And then there’s the year of the grovel. See below for detail if you’re interested.3
Tim Apple (as Trump calls him sometimes, oops, not cognitively impaired at all Iceland Iceland Iceland).
Trump Whisperer. Systematic capitulator in exchange for tariff exemptions.
Iceland Iceland Iceland oops I mean I want to grab GREENLAND by the pussy. That’s what I meant. Then Canada, and Cuba, and Mexico.
My Ecosystem Trap
So why not just leave? Switch to Android, Samsung, whatever?
Because leaving Apple when I’m in this deep? Costs thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours. And probably involves being really unpleasant to anyone who has to deal with me during my attempted accomplishment of such a feat.
Yikes. I can’t leave velly easily. Some of you probably can’t either. And Apple knows it.
So here’s what we do instead.
We make staying on Apple’s board so professionally uncomfortable that the board members either force change or resign.
Because here’s what most people don’t know: Apple’s board is seven people who have OTHER jobs. Other reputations. Other places where they’re hilariously vulnerable to pressure.
Next Up: Part 2 - Meet the Seven People Who Could Fix This (But Won’t)
You gonna love this cast of characters.4
Part 2 drops soon: Who they are, where they work, what they said they believe, and exactly how to make those other jobs really uncomfortable.
You can’t easily leave the ecosystem.
But you can make folks wish they’d stayed home from the popcorn party.
[Subscribe to get Part 2]
[Or don’t and maybe the algorithm gets the info to you]
A Year of the Grovel
January 2025: Personal $1 million donation to Trump’s inauguration
Multiple Mar-a-Lago dinners 2025
August 2025: Presented Trump with a 24-karat gold plaque mounted on a gold stand. It still sits on Trump’s desk.
Announced $500-600 billion in “investments”—which turned out to be money Apple was already spending, repackaged for Trump to brag about
Apple donated to Trump’s $400 million (and climbing) ballroom project
Meetings with Trump in Japan, Davos, everywhere Daddy Trump went
🧬 The Guy Trying to Cure Death (while enabling an administration that kills citizens). He runs Google’s life-extension project. Yup.
👔 Two People Who Work at Chevron. One of them is the Lead Independent Director. Chevron has a Human Rights Policy. It’s on their website. They signed it themselves. Or maybe it was autopen. But whoomp! there it is.
🎯 The Woman Running Target’s Board. You know, Target. The company that’s already getting boycotted and probably checking under their cars for bombs cat poop every morning. She’s the Lead Independent Director. Kind of like a career equivalent of juggling chainsaws on a tightrope.
💰 The Guy on JPMorgan’s Board. JPMorgan publishes a 153-page report about respecting human rights. Every year. He sits on that board AND Apple’s board. Simultaneously. With a straight face.
👩💼 The Woman Who Runs a Nonprofit Empowering Women Entrepreneurs.
While also sitting on Apple’s board defending Tim Cook’s cooperation with the “grab ‘em by the pussy” regime. The cognitive dissonance must be exhausting.
👴 The 75-Year-Old Former Defense Contractor. Apple’s board has a mandatory retirement age of 75. He got a special exception to stay. So he uses his one wish on “Please let me keep defending Tim Cook“ ?
Here’s another bitchen thing: They all wrote their own accountability standards.
IBM’s “Business Conduct Guidelines.” JPMorgan’s Sustainability Report. Chevron’s Human Rights Policy. Target’s community values commitments.
They published them. They signed them. They’re proud of them.
And now we’re going to read them back to these folks, very slowly, while making prolonged eye contact. [Logistics of reading while making eye contact tbd. Metaphorical.]