HornyGate 2025: When Congressmen Can't Keep It In Their DMs
From Cassidy's Inbox to March Madness: A Story of Constitutional Thirst
Thirst: (n.) A state of desperate, often ill-advised romantic or sexual desire, typically manifesting in embarrassing digital communications. When combined with political power and poor judgment, can result in career-ending screenshots. See also: "Congressional Career Limitation Event" or "Why You Should Have a Separate Work Phone."
Gettin’ ready for March Madness, and makin’ it scandal.
Just like two minutes ago, I explored how certain members of Congress couldn't resist sliding into Cassidy Hutchinson's DMs during an active investigation (read "Congressional Eggplant Emoji (Slide Into Sedition).”1
Apparently, that was just the appetizer in this banquet of bad judgment.
“News” (or something) broke today that a shadowy feminist cabal has been collecting every single inappropriate text Republican lawmakers have sent to female staffers, preparing what promises to be the mother of all March surprises. Because if there's one thing we've learned, it's that nothing says "party of family values" quite like having to explain your emoji choices to the Washington Post.2 (Ok, so really it was another hilarious satire Substack, and I recommend it highly).
Some are calling it blackmail. Others are calling it karma. I'm calling it Season 2 of Congressional Thirst Trap: This Time It's Searchable.
The Yankoboop
Here it is right here. You can play it and read along. The Ballad of HornyGate.
This new musical descent into American chaos comes hot on the heels of our previous hit about Congressional DMs. Think of it as a spiritual sequel - like "Godfather II" but with more eggplant emojis and fewer horse heads (I think - March revelations pending).
Some highlights of our current situation:
Tucker Carlson is screaming about "deep-state psyops to destroy wholesome Christian sexting" 3
MTG is ranting about "witchcraft and AI-generated smut" 4
Elon Musk volunteered his own 3AM texts to Grimes (still no one asking) 5
Matt Gaetz asked about bombing the evidence (Pentagon: "Sir, this is a Wendy's")
The Only Hashtags That Matter
#HornyGate2025 #CongressionalThirst #SlideIntoSedition #EggplantEmojiForeignPolicy #WholesomeChristianSexting #CassidyGotTheBackups #HobbyLobbyBribeLife #TuckerMeltdown2Point0 #WhenDMsGoPublic #ThisIsNotTheConstituentOutreachWeMeant #MarjorieSeesWitches #PentagonSaysNoAgain
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Share this post with your favorite oversight committee member (maybe not via DM though).
Which scandal do you think will end up being worse - the January 6th DMs or the March Mystery Drop? Wrong answers only, though at this rate, reality keeps outpacing satire.
The Georgia Howler's Guide to Factual Flexibility
Remember when conspiracy theories were just a hobby? Well, grab your Reynolds Wrap and your nearest stolen catalytic converter, because we're diving into a world where Jewish space lasers are "just the start" and love blooms in Waffle House parking lots.
My Yacht Will Go On
In this installment of Mixtape on the Titanic: When your autonomous yacht's ethics module goes offline but your Twitter feed stays suspiciously active.