Heart Emojis and Hand Grenades

A Passive-Aggressive Psalm for the Digitally Righteous

The inspiring events actually led me to make an entirely separate publication (PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE PSALMS).

But I don’t want my DOH! subscribers to miss out. So here it is.

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A lil’ note on today's scripture: When someone shows you who they are through their ballot, believe ’em - no matter how many heart emojis they send afterwards.

“Blessed are those who vote against their children's rights, for they shall inherit an empty house at Thanksgiving." - Book of Boundaries, 20:24

Welcome, beloved congregation, to our first meditation on the sacred art of weaponized well-wishing. Today's psalm comes to us from the Book of Texas, where caring comes with consequences and gardening apparently absolves all sins.

The Scripture

Our text today emerges from a divine revelation via text message, wherein a self-proclaimed bearer of righteousness demonstrates the holy trinity of passive-aggressive tactics: dismissing legitimate fears, weaponizing family connections, and deploying tactical emojis with extreme prejudice.

The Exegesis*

*exegesis: exposition; explanation; especially, a critical explanation of a text or portion of Scripture

Let us examine the sacred techniques displayed in this blessed exchange:

1. The Dismissal of Prophets

   • When confronted with genuine fears about rights being stripped away, our protagonist offers the timeless wisdom of "the sky isn't falling" while actively supporting those holding the sledgehammers.

   • Note the expert deployment of "We know that's not true" while voting to make it true.

2. The Gardening Defense

   • Behold the divine revelation that spreading four bags of soil somehow balances out spreading hate.

   • Witness the miraculous transformation of manual labor into moral superiority.

3. The Emoji Armament

   • 🥰 = "I care about you enough to vote against your existence"

   • 🙏 = "I'm praying for you to become someone else entirely"

   • 💕 = "Here's some heart emojis to soften the blow of my actions"

4. The Maternal Martyrdom

   • Marvel at the skillful use of "like her mom does" as a weapon of mass guilt-tripping.

   • Observe the seamless transition from "we're all concerned" to "I'm actively supporting policies that threaten your marriage."

Musical Notes

Our hymn today is performed in the style of country passive-aggressive with a side of saccharine menace. The sweet delivery masks bitter truth, while the chorus reminds us that in Texas, care comes with a side of wrecks us.

A Final Blessing

May your heart emojis fly straight and true, your gardening always justify your politics, and your righteousness never be dimmed by self-awareness.

Remember, beloved congregation: The Lord helps those who help themselves to other people's rights while sending thoughts and prayers.

Amen and bless your heart. 🙏

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