Freedom Flu Blues: Woke Planes and Markets, Going Down Togedder
’Murica’s Newest Variant Just Dropped—Now with 9,000% More Economic Symptoms!
2025.02.04.
Welp. Yesterday was DAY 14 of DFT 2.0, and if you're wondering why your 401(k) is suddenly identifying as a 201(k), you're not alone.
Let’s recap this week’s greatest hits in economic and national safety mismanagement, shall we?
The Tariff Man Cameth. Again. Almost.
After six years of telling everyone exactly what he planned to do, DFT shocked everyone by (almost, but that angrydaddy sure is tricky) doing exactly what he said he planned to do.
Canada, Mexico, and China all got (almost(ish)) smacked simultaneously (will he or won’t he? boy oh boy this is some cliffhanger engaging content! cha-ching baby! outrage economy! And don’t you DARE look over THERE to where all the real shit is happening).
Because apparently "fuck around and find out" is now like official trade policy or something. The markets, displaying all the calm of a crypto bro watching Bitcoin drop below 20k (that’s low; I checked), took a nosedive until Dear Leader struck a deal with Mexico! And with Canada!
magamaga mugguh muggu muggu muggu magamagamagamaga
THE DEAL: BLACKMAIL AND NOTHINGNESS
Mexico
Mexico promises to secure the border (Mexico was already securing its border; especially since some sundowning grandpa befuddlepants1 released 1,600 insurrectionists all willy-nilly and Mexico needs to keep them out of its peaceable-ish lands—kids don’t get gunned down in schools there, so there’s that).
Canada
Canada promises to appoint a fentanyl czar (which Canada announced in December 2024 déjà vu perform it work it shake that thing Donold those hips seem to by lying!!).
So he agrees to stuff that was already agreed to, including some stuff that was the “previous administration.” M-kay.
Sure. Let’s pretend it was a “common sense negotiation” (magamagamaga) and not just economic blackmail dressed up as a power play with a “how nice of you to …
Fact Break
Mexico had already deployed troops to the border in 2023 and 2024, and Canada’s fentanyl initiatives had been a public plan since late 2024.
Bad kids agree get a one-month tariff delay (to be clear: the dear consumers and people living their lives in the UXA get a one-month delay on this TAX they voted for because we don’t need no ed-u-mu-cation). DFT tells the MAGAbase (and those not looking beyond corporate news): VICTORY.
But wait! What might VP Manchurian Mansplainer aka MAGAhontas have to say about all this nonsense?
Ok so both recalcitrant children neighbors get a month-long time-out/reprieve to go and think about how naughty they’ve been?
Dumbest Trade War Ever: Averted.
MEANWHILE.
The Safety Crisis
(with helpful notes on what’s fact and what’s embellished)
1. The USAID “Critical Emergency Rescue” App Disabled
Fact
USAID’s secure app for field worker evacuations was shut down as part of DFT’s “budget optimizations.” This app was kinda helpful for providing real-time alerts during dangerous missions.
Recent reports indicate that the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) has experienced significant disruptions due to actions taken by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), supported by the current administration. These actions have led to the deactivation of employee email accounts and the shutdown of critical systems, including a security application designed for emergency situations. This app was essential for staff and contractors operating in conflict zones, providing them with necessary resources and communication channels during emergencies. The disabling of this application has raised concerns about the safety and effectiveness of USAID’s operations in volatile regions.2
Me Taking Liberties
“Operation Good Luck, LOL,” because that’s essentially what workers are left with. NGOs are scrambling, while the official response from Mar-a-Lago’s Golf-Cabinet is “we’re optimizing international rescue inefficiencies.”
2. Aviation (Not a Woke Crash)
On January 29, 2025, a U.S. Army Black Hawk helicopter collided mid-air with a commercial plane over the Potomac River near Washington, D.C. All 67 people aboard the two planes died.
Details (Facts)
Flight 5342: Operated by PSA Airlines under the American Eagle brand, this Bombardier CRJ700 regional jet was on the way from Wichita, Kansas to Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.
Black Hawk Helicopter: The U.S. Army Sikorsky UH-60 Black Hawk was conducting a training mission in the vicinity.
Preliminary reports indicate that the helicopter was instructed by air traffic control to pass behind the approaching passenger jet. However, miscommunication or procedural errors may have led to the collision.3
Public and Media Reactions (Facts)
In the aftermath, various narratives “emerged:”
Speculative Blame: Some media outlets and public figures speculated on potential causes without evidence. Trump (without evidence) blamed DEI policies for the incident.
Misinformation: False claims circulated on social media, including assertions that the helicopter was piloted by a transgender service member. These rumors were debunked. That is: these rumors were shown to be absolute BUNK. Stop it.
Ongoing Investigation: The National Transportation Safety Board (do we still have one? Or did DOGE decide we don’t need one?) is doing its investigation thing. They have recovered the flight data recorder from the helicopter and are analyzing data from both planes. A preliminary report is expected within 30 days; full investigations can take a year or more.
Might be a good idea to worry more about communication and following aviation protocols than bleating lies about WOKE. What? (tf)
3. Musk’s Federal IT Meltdown
Fact
Musk’s team accidentally deleted critical national security data during a botched optimization of federal IT systems.
Government websites remain down, and agencies are struggling to access disaster recovery plans because Musk’s interns apparently didn’t know where to store the backups.
These actions have prompted legal and cybersecurity experts to warn of unprecedented risks to sensitive personal and financial data. Critics argue that Musk’s initiatives may violate the Privacy Act (and cybersecurity laws and a whole bunch of other stuff), leading to potential legal challenges.4
The “situation” suggests: might still need robust disaster recovery and data backup strategies within federal agencies. The Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) emphasizes the need for comprehensive incident response and disaster recovery plans to ensure the resilience of critical systems against disruptions.5 Though I seriously doubt the CISA (or anyone else, including the framers of the Constitution or any of the UXA’s other founding or management documents) really foresaw THIS level of … whatever tf this is. (autocracy, fascism, let me count the things)
Me Taking Liberties
Musk blames DEI training, because why not scapegoat diversity when the real problem is hiring teenager-ish Twitter moderators to run government servers?
4. Food and Drug Safety Rollbacks
Fact
The FDA’s inspection programs have been reduced, leading to lower enforcement of safety standards for imported food and new pharmaceuticals.
Inspection Shortfalls: A January 2025 report from the Government Accountability Office revealed that the FDA has not met its mandated inspection targets for food facilities since 2018. FDA officials attribute this shortfall primarily to understaffing, which sorta blows the agency’s ability to ensure compliance with safety standards.6
Proposed Funding Reductions: In late January 2025, U.S. Senators Richard Blumenthal, Tina Smith, Cory Booker, and Dick Durbin expressed concerns over the FDA’s plans to significantly reduce funding for state and local food safety programs. They have asked for some ‘xplaining from the agency, emphasizing the potential risks such cuts pose to, oh, I dunno, public health and stuff.7
Regulatory Discrepancies: An article from Time highlights that certain food additives banned in Europe due to health risks remain approved for use in the U.S. The disparity is partly attributed to the FDA’s “Generally Recognized as Safe” (GRAS) process, which allows companies to introduce additives without thorough FDA oversight, potentially compromising food safety.8
Me Taking Liberties
I’m too exhausted to take liberties.
A Point (And I Do Have One.)
This isn’t about trade policy, tariffs, or even PatriotCoin’s (hilarious!) downfall. This is misdirection.
While everyone debates whether Mexico is “securing the border” or Canada is “being naughty,” the real destruction is happening:
USAID offices are dark.
The safety app for international service members is offline.
Infrastructure is falling apart.
Eggs are not cheaper. In fact, historic high. Burd flu? What’s burd flu?
I don’t really want to go fly anywhere. Do you?
But sure, JD Vance, tell us more about apples. Huh huh huhuh. Huh.
magagaga muggu magamga
Sigh
The real victory this week? The chaos didn’t hit Greenland, but give it time. DFT probably has “tariff discussions”scheduled with the penguins. Or The Penguin.
Vaguely amused and/or a bit informed or pleasantly worried about what you’re reading? Subscribe to catch the next episode of Democracy: The Reality Show.
Let me know if this mix of fact and satire works, or if you’d like more links to real-time updates. Or if I should just stick to my day job.
Nothing says “competence” like learning to fly via Fox News tutorials.
The YankoBoop
"Freedom Flu," because nothing says “patriotism” quiiiite like a virus that doesn't care about borders.
All of this inspired this week's YankoBoop, which asks the musical question: "What happens when you combine infrastructure collapse, market meltdowns, and a dash of ketamine-tweeting billionaires?"
RIGHT HERE. Play it.
#FreedomFluHitsHard #WokePlanesWontFly #TariffTantrum #InfrastructureShminfrastructure #JeremysCryingAgain #GolfCartGovernance #PatriotCoinToZero #BirdFluButMakeItFreedumb
Like what you're hearing? Throw those likes around! Subscribe to one of the next installments, where I'll either be covering the Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo or the surprisingly robust market for bunker timeshares.
Does anyone actually read these CTAs, or are all both of my loyal fans just quietly judging my desperate plea for engagement? Let me know in the comments!
Now streaming on:
Spotify
Apple Music
PatriotTunes (Note: Only plays Kid Rock)
Freedom Frequency (All songs automatically converted to Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA")
MAGAfy (Like Spotify but everything's labeled as "potentially misleading")
Tucker's Truthbox (Premium subscribers get exclusive Tucker dance remixes)
Later Posts You Might Enjoy While Your 401(k) Tanks:
"The Great Tariff Tantrum of 2025: A Beginner's Guide"
"Jeremy's Epic Facebook Meltdown: A Timeline"
"Tucker Carlson Explains Economics (And Why You Should Do the Opposite)"
"PatriotCoin: From 'To The Moon!' to 'To The Basement!' in 12 Easy Steps"
P.S. For those asking about the strange noises in the bridge section – yes, that's actually the sound of infrastructure crumbling, mixed with Elon's last earnings call. We couldn't tell the difference either.
Coming next week or sometime: "Infrastructure Week Forever (Taylor's Version)" - A YankoBoop investigation into why all the bridges are making those funny noises.
Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants
In this installment of Mixtape on the Titanic: When your perfectly normal weekend includes misplaced nuclear codes, government shutdowns that weren't, and one very tired Lady Liberty holding everybody's beer.
Mad props to Jeff Tiedrich for the “Grandpa Befuddlepants” nickname - I hope this gets picked up - whose substack is well worth the coffee cup a month cost. https://substack.com/@jefftiedrich?r=kg0i1&utm_campaign=profile&utm_medium=profile-page
https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/elon-musk-usaid-killing.html?utm_campaign=feed-part&utm_medium=social_acct&
https://apnews.com/article/washington-plane-crash-helicopter-recovery-7f492db9e867af2e184d621f56cbc4f6
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/crash-reagan-national-airport-washington-dc/?
https://www.wsj.com/us-news/plane-crash-dc-what-happened-8ca58d8c?
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/industry-panel-may-ask-faa-roll-back-aviation-safety-rules
https://www.politico.com/news/2025/02/03/doge-treasury-usaid-donald-trump-011538?
https://www.cisa.gov/planning-response-recovery?
https://www.foodsafetynews.com/2025/01/government-accountability-office-finds-problems-with-fda-inspection-rates/?
https://www.qualityassurancemag.com/news/senators-call-out-fda-for-proposed-cuts-to-state-local-food-safety-programs/?
Guess Handy Hands can reopen the restaurant. FDA won’t be around. Great shout out for Jeff T. A must read and certainly worth a coffee a month !