Five Stars and Two Drinks In: Hegseth In!(MAGA, We Need to Talk)
Happy Hour Meets National Security
25 January 2025. Welcome to the weekend.
Dear "traditional conservatives" still (somehow) clinging to the idea that this is about fiscal responsibility (are people really still doing this? $Trump coin, anyone?).
We need to have a chat about what just happened.
The Facts (Because They (oughtta) Still Matter)
In the past 72 hours:
Pete Hegseth was confirmed as Secretary of Defense despite sworn affidavits about abuse and alcoholism 1
DFT pardoned ALL 1,600+ January 6th defendants, including those who attacked police officers (“stuns” republicans… a little too late, perhaps) 2
"Moderate" Republicans keep pretending this is business as usual 3
Let's break it down a bit, starting with our new Secretary of Defense.
According to sworn testimony, as reported by Jay Kuo, who’s absolutely worth a subscribe/pay/follow and then tell all yer friends:
Hegseth's former sister-in-law detailed a pattern of abuse so concerning that his ex-wife had a "rescue word"
His own mother wrote that he had "abused many women" and needed to "get help"
Multiple witnesses described him passed out drunk in uniform
He was found receiving lap dances in a strip club while in military dress4
And now Heggy's in charge of the U.S. military.
The Republican Response
"This is starting to feel a lot like a Kavanaugh5 situation," said Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO), apparently unaware he was making my point for me. Because yes, this is exactly like that - another unstable man with drinking problems and abuse allegations being elevated to immense power while "traditional" conservatives look the other way.
The Musical Response
Because sometimes you have to process constitutional crises through song, WAG TEAM presents "Five Stars and Two Drinks In (How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bar)" - a musical exploration of what happens when your defense secretary needs a designated driver.
Here it is. Here’s the Yankoboop. Right here. You can play it.
Yankoboop - Five Stars and Two Drinks In
A Note to "Traditional" Conservatives
This isn't about tax policy or eggs or some woke agenda (wtf was anyone even talking about?) anymore. This isn't about small government or traditional values. This is about watching people who claim to care about:
Military readiness
Law and order
Basic human decency
… watching as they
...vote for whatever tf this is.
Help Document the Decline
(Because someone has to keep receipts while democracy drinks)
👉 Subscribe for free to receive new WAG TEAM documentation of our ongoing constitutional crisis. Think of it as a historical record, but with better music.
🎵 Share this post if you've ever watched supposed "law and order" conservatives confirm an unstable SecDef while pretending everything is normal.
💬 Comment below:
Which cabinet nominee should get the WAG TEAM treatment next?
What's your preferred drink for watching democracy burn?
Anyone else's parents still pretending this is the GOP they remember?
What Now?
They didn't need a gun, they didn't need a knife—just a microphone, a confirmation hearing, and a captive audience willing to pretend this is normal.
And stay tuned for whatever fresh horror tomorrow brings. Because as long as "traditional conservatives" keep enabling this, the show must go on.
This documentation of democratic decline draws from Jay Kuo's actual reporting.6 While my content is free and intended to amplify serious journalism through musical satire, I encourage readers to support actual reporters.
#FiveStarsAndTwoDrinksIn #NotYourGrandasGOP #SaveDemocracyAndDogs #HeadsDeskForever
https://apnews.com/article/pete-hegseth-defense-secretary-trump-cabinet-confirmation-12491935023692bce0a04d149663e784
https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/5099016-trump-jan-6-pardons-divide-republicans/
https://thehill.com/homenews/house/5100246-trump-meeting-gop-moderates-bacon-lawler-fitzpatrick/
https://joshhawley.com/hawley-statement-kavanaugh-confirmation-supreme-court/
https://substack.com/@jaykuo
Five Stars and Two Drinks In (How I Stopped Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bar)
Play it here. You don’t have to stream it on Spotify, Apple Music, IHeartRadio (but you could).
Sitting in this hearing room, squirming in my seat While my favorite barstool's gathering dust down on K Street These senators keep talking, man, they just won't let it go While my two-for-one martinis are starting without me, don't you know It's five o'clock somewhere (but I'm stuck right here) These questions keep on coming (where's my cold draft beer?) They say I gotta focus on national defense But happy hour specials make a whole lot more sense Got my phone beneath the table, texting my bartender friend "Save my spot at Clancy's, this interrogation's got no end" They're asking about strategy, budgets, and worldwide threats While I'm calculating how many wing baskets I could get Oh, the Pentagon can wait While these drink prices are so great Who needs security briefings? When there's half-price weekend meetings Call it a coordinated plot, call it what you will But between you and me, I've got a tab to fill They say I need clearance for classified intel But the only clearance I need is for that happy hour special t's five o'clock somewhere (but I'm stuck right here) These questions keep on coming (where's my cold draft beer?) They say I gotta focus on national defense But happy hour specials make a whole lot more sense 'Cause when you're running global defense With military might immense The most important strategy of all Is never missing last call Brett's been saving me a seat, since his own Senate scene Says these confirmation blues pair well with his favorite beer Two justices walk into a bar (sounds like a bad joke's start) One's on the highest court in the land, one can't tell his drinks apart