Even the Normies: When Patagonia Meets MAGA
A WAG TEAM Emergency Yankoboop
21 January 2025
I so hate that this emergency Yankoboop diverted my attention from my then-urgent most project (coming soon!) (World's Richest Pantload (inspired by Jeff Tiedrich1 - love that guy!))
(lots of parentheses)
And yet here we are. I SO felt his panic— Tim Miller21, Bulwark fame and general awesomeness, points out that even the "normies" are Trump-pilled!!
One possible... response, of sorts... when your supposedly moderate Republicans start counting imaginary border crossings: an emergency WAG TEAM musical intervention.
Because seriously, nothing says "totally normal Republican" like claiming 10 million border crossings per day while adjusting your Patagonia vest. (Math?3 Where we're going4, we don't need no math and book learnin! What ARE you, some kinda elite?)
Quick Context Because YIKES
Virginia's …um… normie moderate Governor Glenn Youngkin just claimed that "10 million" migrants are crossing the border every day - which would mean doubling the entire U.S. population in about a month. But the math is **NOT EVEN** even the scary part. I was EASING you into this whole ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST thing - I’m fresh outta smelling salts today -
This is the same "moderate" Republican who:
Ran as a "normal" alternative to Trump-style politics in 2021 [add citation when time permits; point made]
Built his campaign around "parents' rights" and education [add citation when time permits; point made]
Presented himself as a vest-wearing businessman who could appeal to both Trump voters and suburbanites [add citation when time permits; point made]
Graduated from Harvard Business School (which presumably teaches basic math) [add citation when time permits; point made][also link to recent article about poor Harvard MBA grads unemployed x months after graduation for the first time in like EVER - what - not enough corporate D to go around? [insert meme of the bill club with the Cheetos around their mouths - add more folks - link to Kuo]
And now he's out here pushing completely fabricated border statistics while embracing full MAGA rhetoric. [could expand discussion here; move on for now] As Tim Miller points out[^1], this isn't just a random gaffe - it's part of a pattern of "normie" Republicans going full authoritarian. [Come back and make this quotation more precise; move on for now]
All that said:
In This Episode of Mixtape on the Titanic
Harvard Business School meets MAGA, and your fleece vest can't hide the missingness of your spine. WAG TEAM presents a musical exploration of what happens when the "moderates" decide fascism isn't some much a dealbreaker after all. (JVL calls it again!52 Thankfully I stopped buying urls based on shit he said that got me all fired up about how to save democracy THAT day... one of them was democracyonhospice - so far still just here in the Substack because reality is outpacing my ability to slog through this Udemy course on Web design and marketing and blah blah bah - MERGENCY!!!!)
Whoomp - here it is!
Even the Normies (The Fleece Vest Shuffle)
And later - like hours -
Spotify (for the resistance)
Apple Music (vest-wearing optional)
Your local prep school's disillusionment playlist
The Harvard Business School Ethics Department's "What Went Wrong?" collection
Wherever former moderates find their missing spines
Stream
Check it - other gems that probably have me on all kinds of lists.
Five Stars and Two Drinks In (How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bar)
Look, I know I should probably wait until I finish the OTHER other song but when Tim Miller points out that the "normies" are falling... well... sometimes you just have to drop everything and write a Miley Cyrus parody about fleece vests and fascism. Because that's where we are now. That's just what happens.
Speaking of Other Songs...
(shameless self-promotion alert!) If you enjoyed this emergency musical intervention, check out these other WAG TEAM hits from our "Democracy on Hospice" collection:
The Ballad of Scrappy Musk: Richest Incel Alive
Phony Stark (The Man Who Mistook His Wallet for His IQ)
Coming Soon: "World's Richest Pantload"
One Last Thing...
Remember when we thought the worst thing a Harvard grad could do was tank Twitter? Ah! simpler times. Now we're watching as the fleece vest brigade discovers that fascism just goes with everything this season.
[When time permits, add in a fun Martha Stewart type link - can also include Snoop stuff - good venue for destroying publicly and in some very dramatic manner both of my snoop on a stoop dolls- man - what a disappointment - remember to see what Kimmel has said - also curious about Martha comments]
Holy crap.
I don’t know, man.
(And that is EXACTLY how Jasmine Crocket meant it when she said “girl,” you SF , and you know it! Tim Miller called that one! I hear ya, brother. but alas. We get a yankooboop:
America’s Got Grievances
#WagTeam #DemocracyOnHospice #FleeceVestFascism #SaveDemocracyAndDogs
Help Save Democracy (and Dogs)!
(or at least help us document its decline in song)
👉 Subscribe for free to receive new WAG TEAM Yankoboops and support my dabblings while watching democracy attempt synchronized swimming with icebergs.
🎵 Share this post if you've ever watched a fleece vest transform into a brownshirt in real time.
💬 Comment below: Which former "moderate" should get the WAG TEAM treatment next? (So many options... so little time...)
Footnotes
With appreciation to Tim Miller and The Bulwark for their essential coverage. This is free content intended to amplify their work - will absolutely cease and desist if they object! ↩
https://www.khanacademy.org
Where we’re going, every time I tried to generate an image of it, it violated the content policies of the AI image generators (I refused to go try Grok, even though I suspect I could get it to do what I in theory want . but that’s an aside… joke made. move on, Jenni.
]
See JVL's Law in The Bulwark's Triad (2/29/24): "Any person or institution not explicitly anti-Trump will become a tool for authoritarianism eventually." (He wasn't kidding!) ↩
Even the Normies (The Fleece Vest Shuffle)
Hopped off the hedge fund plane at DCA With my fleece vest and my MBA "Welcome to Virginia," I'm gonna say "I'm totally normal, just look at my vest!" Jumped in the race with my culture war Pretending I'm different from what came before Like yeah-eah-eah, I'm just like Mitt Yeah-eah-eah, I'm legit! Who knew even normies would Trump-pill? Who knew even normies would Trump-pill? The vest comes off, the mask hits the ground Turns out the moderates aren't sticking around Yeah-eah, even normies Trump-pill Yeah-eah-eah, even normies Trump-pill "Ten million crossings every single day!" Math doesn't matter when you're MAGA-hey! Parents' rights were just the gateway To full conspiracy, what can I say? Started with schools, now we're here Watching my spine disappear Like yeah-eah-eah, time to bend the knee Yeah-eah-eah, authoritarianism's free! "But I went to Harvard Business School!" "My vest is from Patagonia!" "I'm totally different from those other guys!" "I just happen to agree with everything they say!" JVL's Law is coming true If you're not against it, it's coming for you The vest comes off, the mask hits the ground Turns out there's no moderates still around Yeah-eah, even normies Trump-pill Yeah-eah-eah, watch the normies Trump-pill "But her emails..." "Critical Race Theory..." "Parents' Rights..." "Just asking questions..." "What about Hunter's laptop..."
As someone who remembers what the GOP was like during the Jack Kemp era, watching the fleece-vest-to-fascism pipeline in action required emergency musical intervention. Just dropped a Miley Cyrus parody about Youngkin's transformation because that's where we are now - when your supposedly moderate Republicans start counting "10 million border crossings per day," sometimes you just have to process it through song.
If anyone needs me, I'll be over at democracyonhospice.substack.com writing emergency Yankoboops while democracy attempts synchronized swimming with icebergs.
(With appreciation to Tim Miller for the essential coverage that inspired this musical breakdown of the normie-to-MAGA pipeline.) ** and I had my title - Credentialed Contrarian - before I knew the REAL contrarian existed - not a blatant theft (or some poaching - I'm sure there's some Gen Z slang word for it I do not have time to go look up) - I totally admire that group and would love to join in whatever capacity (and emailed them as much when I purchased subscription).
Anyway - enjoy ! LOVE YOUR WORK. SORRY WE NEED IT SO F*ING MUCH.
https://democracyonhospice.substack.com/p/even-the-normies-when-patagonia-meets?r=kg0i1