Dodgy Teens With Treasury Access: Your Tax Dollars at Work
President Musk's DOGE Teens Finally Have Weekend Plans Outside Their Moms' Basements
Play “Muskrat Gov.” Right here.
Three weeks in.
Egg and housing prices? Historic highs.
"President" DFT — rambling on (weaving?) (the way he does) about all those $2 plane tickets.1 (plane ticket from SFO to LAX cheaper than a dozen eggs!)
Meanwhile some DOGE kids2 have been given Treasury READ and WRITE software/system access to teens whose main qualifications appear to be "good at coding" and "posts spicy memes."
One of the newly empowered teens?
Edward Coristine (age 19), online handle “BigBalls.”
Coristine registered Tesla.Sexy LLC at 16 because of course he did. Now thanks to Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency, BigBallsEd has access to the core (and not core) financial systems of the U.S. government. Everything’s fine.
Ed and his crew have been given “fix this in whatever way your little genius teenager brains think is best” instructions and access to everything from Treasury payments to Social Security infrastructure (oh, and the nuclear codes). When your resume says “posts spicy memes,” that’s qualification enough to handle all the federal accounts and money and stuff.
The fate of your Social Security benefits awaits his next tweet.
By The Numbers
Cost of eggs: historic high3
Cost of housing: historic high 4
Cost of plane tickets according to the "President": $2
Age required for Treasury system access: old enough to have a Discord5 account
Number of background checks completed: 0
Number of Russian domains under teen staffer control: several
Americans whose data is now at risk: all of them (including YOU — and if you’re still in the “both choices in this election were equally bad” - ARE YOU REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What will it take?)
Weekend “Warriors”
Musk tweeted about weekends being "prime time" because "the opposing team isn't even on the field." 6
Translation: While career civil servants take two days off, his unvetted DOGE squad has free rein over federal systems.
The opposing team, in this case? You. The American public.
If you think “I can just stick my head in the sand and wait out the next two years because I will for sure be ok,” well, then, good luck with that. And thanks. Your kids and grandkids will thank you, too.
At Risk
Your:
Social Security benefits (and JHFC - I paid more into this effing “trust fund” than both of my parents put together - so maybe I’ll start reminding the Silent Generation and Boomer MAGATs whining about drug prices (BLAH I JUST CAN’T EVEN)
Tax records
Banking information
Personal data
Retirement security
All now in the hands of someone who thought "Tesla.Sexy" was a professional business name.
Speaking of Professional...
The DOJ tried restricting DOGE employees' Treasury access.7 Tried.
Un-ringing the bell, I guess.
Meanwhile, federal workers report their secure channels are now flooded with hot takes from "BigBalls" about system efficiency.8
A Musical Interlude
Some situations defy traditional reporting. My latest YankoBoop "Muskrat Gov" captures this particular moment in democracy's descent, and I’ve put it RIGHT here so you don’t have to click through to Pandora or Spotify and end up with Wag Team showing up in your feed (though this is not really a BAD thing to have happen).
And you can follow along.
The Money Trail
USAID's entire budget: $38 billion
Prevents famines
Supports global stability
Protects American interests abroad
DISMANTLED. Sorry about all those contracts, jobs, family moves for the big career opportunities involving doing awesome stuff in the world.
Musk's personal wealth increase since the November 2024 election: $170 billion (and counting).9
Built on government contracts
Fueled by market manipulation
Now used to dismantle government oversight
Learn more: Musk’s rapidly expanding wealth has sparked concerns about market manipulation and government overreach.10
Musk’s Wealth Growth Since November 5th
$170 billion: THAT AMOUNT is like winning Powerball every day for 15 months straight.
He’s made more than $465 million per day since the election. That’s $19.4 million per hour, or roughly $322,000 per minute—enough to buy a house (well, better go double-check housing prices) every 60 seconds.
In the time it takes me (or you) to make a cup of coffee, Musk could buy a fleet of Cybertrucks or Swastikars.11
What the average worker makes in a year ($50K)12 Musk makes every nine seconds. His contributions are just worth that much more, I suppose.
WILL LOOT GOVERNMENT FOR FOOD?
But Wait, There's More!
For the low, low price of your entire democracy, you too can own this slightly used federal agency! Act now and they'll throw in USAID absolutely free!
(Just pay separate coup fees and handling)
What Now?
The Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act13 exists for a reason. Background checks exist for a reason. Security clearances exist for a reason.
Well, they used to. But we’re busy making ‘Murrica great gain.
#MuskratGov #TeenageFinancialAdvisors #ThisIsFineEverythingIsFine
That Was Fun
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Share this post with anyone who thinks "both sides" are equally concerning. Or your Silent Generation relatives who keep insisting everything's fine while cashing those Social Security checks you're still funding.
What's your bet on BigBalls's first Treasury Department tweet?
FOOTNOTES
“…Los Angeles no we're going to start a big investigation on that because it's I've never seen anything like it nobody has ever seen anything like it the worst overruns that there have ever been in the history of our country and it wasn't even necessary I would have said you don't buy it you take an airplane it cost you $2 it cost you nothing you take an airplane but this got started and if you have to you drive you can drive…”
Found in the wild:
https://www.nj.com/food/2025/02/restaurants-scrambling-over-skyrocketing-egg-prices-its-like-the-stock-market.html
https://www.corelogic.com/intelligence/us-home-price-insights-february-2025/
Discord: A chat platform popular with teens for gaming and memes. Minimum age: 13. Not typically where you find people authorized to handle national security.
https://www.financialexpress.com/trending/elon-musk-says-working-the-weekend-is-superpower-heres-why/3735112/?utm_source=chatgpt.com
https://apnews.com/article/elon-musk-donald-trump-doge-21153a742fbad86284369bb173ec343c
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/02/07/nyregion/attorneys-general-trump-musk-suit.html
https://www.wired.com/story/edward-coristine-tesla-sexy-path-networks-doge/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/elon-musk-net-worth-trump-b2665395.html?utm_source=chatgpt.com
https://usafacts.org/answers/what-is-the-average-wage-in-the-us/country/united-states/
https://www.archives.gov/milestone-documents/pendleton-act