Dick's Diss Track (Live from Hell)
When Former Presidents Have to School SCOTUS from the Afterlife
In This Installment of Mixtape on the Titanic
When your perfectly normal Sunday includes a former president breaking his post-mortem silence, Satan updating his judicial rooming assignments, and one very perturbed coonhound questioning the ethics of ghostwritten dissents.
The Situation
Picture this: It's a quiet Sunday in Hell. Nixon's nursing his morning covfefe, Kissinger's still en route, and Satan's reviewing the latest Supreme Court decisions with increasing concern. Suddenly, the former president - you know, the one who actually resigned when caught breaking the law - has some thoughts about proper citation format in Hell's Law Review.
The Cast
Starring:
Richard Nixon in his most righteously indignant role yet ("I was corrupt, but at least I cited my sources!")
One iconic leg lamp from A Christmas Story (now illuminating constitutional crisis)
A devil DJ specializing in ironic judicial playlists
Several smoking judicial robes (now available in brimstone-resistant fabric)
The ghost of Constitutional Accountability (currently filing plagiarism claims in Hell's Circuit Court)
Dicks’ Diss Track (The YankoBoop)
Special Guest Appearances By:
The Supreme Court's last shred of credibility (extremely brief cameo)
A pentagram that's "totally just Beach Week decor, bro"
Three demonic law clerks with expertise in eternal damnation precedents
Several deeply conflicted Federalist Society observers
One surprisingly unbothered Frannie serving as Hell's Chief Justice
Production Notes
Recorded live at Hell's newest venue, "The Burning Precedent," where every night is constitutional karaoke and the house special is Kavanaugh's Beer™ (now with extra judicial temperament).
Musical accompaniment by Satan's House Band, "The Reasonable Doubters."
Critical Reception
"★★★★★ - Hotter than the 7th Circle" - Infernal Times
"Better than Dante's original" - Underworld Weekly
"Could use more beer" - Justice K's Dissenting Opinion
The Context
When SCOTUS dropped its latest immunity bomb, it probably didn't expect critique from beyond the grave. But Nixon, the original "when the president does it, that means it's not illegal" guy, has some thoughts about proper citation format in Hell's Law Review.
#NixonInHell #SupremeSnark #JudicialInferno #BeachWeekForever #SatanNeedsMoreChairs
December 2024
Check the Music
Available on Spotify, Apple Music, and wherever else presidential immunity gets cited without attribution.
Dick's Diss Track (Live from Hell)
Well, you bastards finally sealed the deal, Turned the Constitution into a banana peel. Slipping and sliding right into despair, With your gavels pounding, you just don’t care.
I was the OG crook, the original sin, But you took my playbook and dialed it in. Where’s my credit, you robe-wearing hacks? When the president does it, it’s just facts!
Welcome to Hell, where the fires blaze, Satan’s waiting with eternal malaise. Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Kavanaugh too, There’s a pentagram table reserved just for you.
I see you, Brett, with your Beach Week grin, Sam and Clarence, your wives are movin’ in. Barrett’s got her Constitution for show, But down here, it’s a bestseller—Satan loves the glow.
You stole my line, and that’s a damn shame, I branded “not illegal” with my name! You’ve turned democracy into a dead man’s joke, Now Satan’s got robes for you—made of smoke.
Welcome to Hell, where the devils cheer, For judicial sellouts and constitutional fear. Carnival Cruises couldn’t match this heat, You’ve earned your spot on the brimstone beat.
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear, Down here, justice runs on beer. Kissinger’s late, but he’s on his way, And Beelzebub’s got dibs on Beach Week Day.
Oh, and by the way—don’t blame Ford, That man was too square even for the Lord!”
Your rulings stripped rights, gave the strongman his crown, Now America’s just a fascist town. You’ll join me soon, in this lake of fire, Where Satan’s playlist is “Judicial Liar.”
The clowns are waiting, the pitchforks are hot, And Satan’s got Kavanaugh’s favorite shot. So take your time, or rush right in, But Nixon’s ready to toast your sins.
Welcome to Hell, where the fire burns bright, For judicial thieves who abandoned the fight. Come skinny-dip in the lake of despair, Dick Nixon’s waiting—I’ll save you a chair.
“I’ll see you fuckers in Hell… and don’t forget your robes.”