Daddy Vladdy Won’t Pick Up

Leadership is knowing when to wait patiently for instructions?

Mar 21, 2025

2025.03.20.

I seem to have taken a 13-day break from the YankoBoops. The life, sometimes she gets in the way.

While I've been dealing with life's complications, our soon-to-be-former-again-but-not-soon-enough president has apparently been dealing with his own unique form of rejection. Reports suggest Trump calls Putin regularly, only to be kept waiting or ignored (or laughed at).

Then I saw this post from Andy Borowitz,1 and suddenly, inspiration struck.

So I made a song. A dumb, ridiculous song.

Because when someone so despicable and disgusting is desperate to be seen as powerful, the best thing to do is highlight just how pathetic he is.

Soviet propaganda aesthetic 'Please Hold' sign featuring Trump's frustrated face photoshopped onto a woman's body, with a telephone cord wrapped around him and a balalaika instrument in the corner. A heart-shaped knot made of rope appears at the top with text reading 'Daddy Vladdy Won't Pick Up. — In Russia, phone holds YOU.

You can cry along. Right here. Here it is.

The

YankoBOOP

1×

0:00

-3:26

Complete lyrics to 'Daddy Vladdy Won't Pick Up' displayed over a Russian flag background. The page features a yellow rotary telephone and a bottle of cheap Russian vodka at the bottom. The lyrics tell the story of Trump desperately waiting on hold while Putin plays balalaika music and ignores his calls, complete with Russian-accented voice prompts and references to Elon Musk getting texts while Trump waits. — Leaked Kremlin hold music playlist and desperate pleas, paired with the kind of vodka they serve to unwanted foreign callers.

Share this with anyone who needs a reminder that the so-called 'most powerful man in the world' is actually just waiting by the phone for permission.

Comment with your best guess on how many times Trump has actually been put on hold by Putin. Winner gets absolutely nothing but the satisfaction of being right.

#VladdyIssues

#MakeAmericaWaitAgain

#BalalaikalypseNow

#PutinOnTheRitz

The Reviews Are In!

Rolling Stone

Trump's foray into lounge music is as uncomfortable as his foreign policy. 'Daddy Vladdy Won't Pick Up' makes you laugh, then cry, then check if your phone is tapped. Five stars.

The Moscow Times

We are legally required to say this song is terrible. Off the record, it's been playing in the Kremlin break room for three days straight. Putin keeps humming the chorus.

Music Today

The balalaika solo hits harder than sanctions. A geopolitical disaster turned into the earworm we never knew we needed. Warning: may cause uncontrollable urges to put dictators on speakerphone.

The New Yorker

In a cultural landscape dominated by serious political discourse, 'Daddy Vladdy Won't Pick Up' offers a refreshing alternative: deeply unserious political discourse set to what can only be described as 'Cold War lounge jazz.' The result is as disturbing as it is catchy.

Fox News

This vicious attack on our greatest president is completely baseless and... wait, is that a balalaika solo? Actually kind of slaps. NOT THAT WE'RE ADMITTING ANYTHING.

The Guardian

If Dean Martin and George Kennan had a musical love child raised on a steady diet of CNN and vodka, it might sound something like this.

Daddy Vladdy Won't Pick Up

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Well, I called up Moscow just to have a lil' chat,
Said "Hey there, Vladdy, it's your favorite diplomat."
But the line went silent, no command, no cue,
Just a robotic voice sayin' "Comrade, please hold through..."

Then came the music—oh Lord, what a sound,
A thousand balalaikas just strummin' me down.
I tried to interrupt, tried to beg and plead,
But the Kremlin's hold line don't care what I need.

Forty-five minutes, stuck in a loop,
While Putin's out ridin' bears in a suit.
I got sanctions, scandals, lawsuits too,
But all I hear is 'DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO' (Balalaika solo!)

I’m on hold with Putin, yeah, Daddy won't pick up!
He's out flexin' muscles, don't care 'bout my stuff!
You press 1 for "loyal," you press 2 for "obey," such is life!
But all I get is folk songs, replay nonstop!

I check my notes, say "I was always strong,"
But then I remember—nah, I've been a pawn.
I whisper "Sir, I'll do whatever you say,"
But the call just loops back—press 4 to betray.

The White House is waiting, my staff's all confused,
While I'm getting musically abused.
NATO's calling, Ukraine's on the line,
But Putin's balalaika takes all my time.

While I'm waiting, Vlad is texting Elon Musk,
"Nice work on that South Lawn car sales kiosk!"
They're planning Mars colonies, sharing memes,
While I'm drowning in balalaika streams.

"Can Vlad ride in your Tesla?" Elon types,
"Sure thing, comrade, just send the DOGE my way."
Their bromance blooming with each passing note,
While I'm just begging for a press 1 vote.

"Hello, Meester Trump...
For faster service, please to surrender NATO commitments, da?"
"Spasiba. Now enjoy... forty-five more minutes... 
OF GLORIOUS BALALAIKA POWER!"
I'm on hold with Putin, I just wanna talk!
But he treats me like a MAGA laughing stock!

I press 1 for mercy, press 2 for love,
But all I get is a shove-a-shove! 
Meanwhile Elon gets a text right away,
And Xi’s smile is growing like Siberian tiger, ha!
The world keeps turning while I'm stuck on hold,

The real president's  the one who left me cold.