🍆 Congressional Eggplant Emoji (Slide Into Sedition)
MAGA's Moral Majority Hits 'Send All' on Its Private Parts
26 January 2025.
According to explosive reporting from The Washington Post, House Speaker Mike Johnson's office had to warn Rep. Barry Loudermilk1 against subpoenaing former Trump aide Cassidy Hutchinson because – swampy swamp swamp! – because certain Republican congressmen are apparently down bad2 enough to slide into Hutchinson’s DMs with **explicit** messages during the January 6th investigation.3
Yes, you read that right-y-o. The same folks who scream about drag queen story hour4 were apparently sending unsolicited spicy content to the witness (star witness Cassidy Hutchinson - remember her?).5 Because nothing says "party of family values" quite like harassing a twenty-something staffer with congressional eggplant emoji.
Well, if you've been following the latest Congressional drama (and if you haven’t, bless you, and I’m here for you), you know that certain members of Congress have been demonstrating some interpretations of their constituent outreach programs.
This latest Yankoboop takes inspiration from the recent Washington Post revelations about those spicy Congressional DMs to Cassidy Hutchinson. Because nothing says "defending democracy" quite like sending thirst traps6 to January 6th witnesses, amiright?
The Yankoboop
Right here. You can play it. Really. Congressional Eggplant Emoji.
The song draws from a rich tradition of political commentary (through music!), following in the footsteps of other WAG TEAM hits like "Subpoena Colada" and "Don't Stop Investigating." But this time, I’m divin’ deeply-bigly into the intersection of moral grandstanding and morale-destroying screenshots. Or something.
Some early listeners have asked if certain lines are exaggerated for effect. To that I can only respond: <gesture broadly at reality>.
As always, WAG TEAM productions are proudly created using:
Suno for music generation
Canva for visual design
Multiple AI detectors to ensure originality
A healthy dose of "you can't make this stuff up" energy
Stay tuned for the full EP, "Profiles in Thirst Trap Courage," coming soon to a democracy near you.
No congressional reputations were harmed in the making of this article. They did that all by themselves.
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/lawmakers-texted-cassidy-hutchinson-sexual-favors-1235244784/
Down bad: A state of desperate thirst, typically demonstrated by sending inappropriate DMs to witnesses in your ongoing investigation. See also: "[Used to be] Congressional Career Suicide."
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/04/nyregion/lake-luzerne-library-drag-story-hour.html#:~:text=Neighbors%20denounced%20one%20another%20as,forcing%20it%20to%20shut%20down.
https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/cassidy-hutchinson-subpoena-jan-6-investigation-b2685385.html
Thirst trap: A social media post, typically a photo, designed to attract attention or admiration. In this case, unwanted and highly inappropriate congressional attention.
🍆 Congressional Eggplant Emoji (Slide Into Sedition)
Testifying 'bout the coup While you're sliding in my DMs, ooh You voted "nay" on women's rights But you're sending thirst traps late at night (Is that a gavel in your pocket?) Congressional eggplant emoji Your party says that's grooming, homie Preaching values on the floor While your pics flood my inbox door (Send tweet, delete, repeat) Madison spilled all your tea Now the truth's there for all to see Cocaine orgies, after hours While you clutch your pearls and flowers (Think of the children - but not like that) Every accusation Is a confession Every moral panic Is projection (QAnon was coming from inside the House) "Save America," you say While you're typing "u up bae?" Family values in the streets But in Congress, just delete (Clear that browser history) Congressional eggplant emoji Your party says that's grooming, homie Preaching values on TV While you're sliding into DMs (Filed under: Things That Actually Happened) Subpoena on the table Investigation's not quite stable "Better check those phone records first" (Oh wait no, that might be worst) Speaker's getting nervous now Too many peens to disavow Time to shut this whole thing down Before more dickpics float around (National Security Risk) Cawthorn told y'all straight What went down after dark Now those stories seem Like a walk in the park ( At least he didn't hit "send all")