Just like my parents, Tim Cook chose Trump over me.

I’m a long-time Apple person. Not the sort who ever needed advertisey-dorkwear like Apple t-shirts or stickers or a quirky personal email address cleverly incorporating some “look at me and my premium computer products taste and stuff.” Nope. None of that.

But just short of that? I AM the F*KING APPLE ECOSYSTEM. Two MacBooks (one docked, one for porch and recliner and bed and transit and sofa and babysitting during chemo). iPad. iPhone 16 Pro Max. AirPods Max. HomePod.

Apple Notes. Apple TV (running out of unboycot-worthy streaming services). Apple Music (Fuck Spotify). iCloud Pro family plan. 48,524 photos synced (only 3,913 of Moby).

YOU FUH-CKERS.

APPLE:

I am your ecosystem.

Yesterday I saw this here post from a like-minded internet stranger and thought: Yeah. Me too.

Dear wise like-minded internet stranger: I see you.

Back to Tim Cook

Saturday night, January 25, 2026. Hours after ICE agents slaughtered Alex Pretti—a 37-year-old VA ICU nurse, unarmed, recording on his phone, Tim Cook (aka Tim Apple) was at the White House eating commemorative popcorn at a private screening of Melania. Continuing his insistence on appeasing this monster at every opportunity.

A law-abiding American citizen exercising his First and Second Amendment1 rights was executed by federal agents in Minneapolis.

And Tim Cook thought that was a perfectly fine day to go orange up his tonsils at the White House.

Here’s what happened that day:

Alex Pretti’s last act on earth was stepping between a federal agent and a woman that agent had just violently shoved to the ground. He had his phone out. He was recording. His hands went up. They pepper-sprayed him twice in the face, dragged him down, discovered he had a legally carried firearm in a holster, and shot him multiple times while he was already incapacitated on the ground.

Within hours, Trump, Stephen Miller, and DHS were calling him a “domestic terrorist” who “tried to assassinate law enforcement.” The video shows they were lying. All of them. About all of it.

Within minutes/hours, Trump, JD Vance, Stephen Miller, and DHS called Alex Pretti a “domestic terrorist” who “tried to assassinate law enforcement.” All lies.

Alex Pretti was an ICU nurse at the VA hospital. He spent his career saving the lives of veterans. His ex girlfriends and former students and recent colleagues all sing his praises. This man was basically a freakin’ angel.

And federal agents killed him for legally recording them on video and legally carrying a firearm ON HIS BACK. 2

And my boy Tim Apple attended a Melania viewing that same night.

And Then There’s Tim Apple’s MLK Problem

Tim’s Twitter bio features a Martin Luther King Jr. quotation: “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’”

For realz.

What was Tim Cook doing for others? On Saturday, Tim Cook was eating popcorn and singing along with the Melania Waltz (or some shit) while the administration executed more citizens.

And then there’s the year of the grovel. See below for detail if you’re interested.3

Tim Apple (as Trump calls him sometimes, oops, not cognitively impaired at all Iceland Iceland Iceland).

Trump Whisperer. Systematic capitulator in exchange for tariff exemptions.

Iceland Iceland Iceland oops I mean I want to grab GREENLAND by the pussy. That’s what I meant. Then Canada, and Cuba, and Mexico.

My Ecosystem Trap

So why not just leave? Switch to Android, Samsung, whatever?

Because leaving Apple when I’m in this deep? Costs thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours. And probably involves being really unpleasant to anyone who has to deal with me during my attempted accomplishment of such a feat.

Yikes. I can’t leave velly easily. Some of you probably can’t either. And Apple knows it.

So here’s what we do instead.

We make staying on Apple’s board so professionally uncomfortable that the board members either force change or resign.

Because here’s what most people don’t know: Apple’s board is seven people who have OTHER jobs. Other reputations. Other places where they’re hilariously vulnerable to pressure.

Next Up: Part 2 - Meet the Seven People Who Could Fix This (But Won’t)

You gonna love this cast of characters.4

Part 2 drops soon: Who they are, where they work, what they said they believe, and exactly how to make those other jobs really uncomfortable.

You can’t easily leave the ecosystem.

But you can make folks wish they’d stayed home from the popcorn party.

[Subscribe to get Part 2]

[Or don’t and maybe the algorithm gets the info to you]

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For years, you’ve told us you’re Second Amendment warriors. You’ve railed against the ATF. You’ve warned about federal tyranny. You’ve sworn you’d stand between gun owners and government overreach.

So where the hell are you now?

Yesterday, Border Patrol agents executed Alex Pretti—a 37-year-old American citizen with a valid carry permit and no criminal record. He was tackled, disarmed, and shot multiple times while on the ground.

And you’re silent.

Let’s Be Crystal Clear About What Happened

Alex Pretti had a Sig Sauer P320—the SAME gun federal agents carry. He had a legal permit. Minnesota allows open carry with a permit. He wasn’t brandishing it. Video shows his phone in his hand, not his gun.

Federal agents killed him anyway.

Then DHS trotted out the same playbook you pretend to hate: “He had ammunition, so he was a threat.” By that logic, every legal carrier in America is fair game.

This is EXACTLY the federal overreach you campaign against. Except now it’s YOUR team doing it.

The Hypocrisy Is Stunning

You lose your minds when the ATF proposes pistol brace rules. You scream about red flag laws. You swear “from my cold dead hands.”

But when federal agents literally pry a gun from a legal owner’s cold dead hands? Crickets.

Why? Because he was at a protest you don’t like? Because he probably didn’t vote for Trump?

If the Second Amendment only applies to people who agree with you politically, then you don’t actually believe in the Second Amendment. You believe in armed partisanship.

Your Voters Are Watching

You think your gun-owning constituents are too dumb to see the contradiction? Let me spell it out for them:

Their Senator believes federal agents should be able to kill legal gun owners—as long as those gun owners are doing something the government doesn’t like.

That’s not a Second Amendment position. That’s a jackboot position.

Every single gun owner in your state should be asking: “If I’m legally carrying at a protest, a traffic stop, or anywhere else my Senator disagrees with, can federal agents execute me too?”

Senators Who Need to Answer NOW

These senators have built entire careers on “gun rights” and “opposing federal tyranny.” Time to put up or shut TF up:

OKLAHOMA - The “Don’t Tread On Me” State That’s Apparently Fine With All Kinds of Treading:

• Sen. Markwayne Mullin: 202-224-4721

• Sen. James Lankford: 202-224-5754

TEXAS - “Come And Take It” Senators Who Just Watched Agents Take It:

• Sen. Ted Cruz: 202-224-5922

• Sen. John Cornyn: 202-224-2934

The “Constitution In My Pocket” Crew:

• Sen. Josh Hawley (MO): 202-224-6154

• Sen. Tom Cotton (AR): 202-224-2353

• Sen. Rick Scott (FL): 202-224-5274

• Sen. Marco Rubio (FL): Just resigned, replaced by Ashley Moody

• Sen. Tommy Tuberville (AL): 202-224-4124

• Sen. Katie Britt (AL): 202-224-5744

• Sen. Bill Hagerty (TN): 202-224-4944

• Sen. Marsha Blackburn (TN): 202-224-3344

• Sen. Roger Marshall (KS): 202-224-4774

• Sen. Eric Schmitt (MO): 202-224-5721

Bonus - The Guy Who Wanted To Fight A Union Leader Over Disrespect:

• Sen. Markwayne Mullin (OK): 202-224-4721 - Seriously, call this one twice.

What To Say (Don’t Be Too Polite)

“I’m a gun owner and voter. Federal agents just killed Alex Pretti for legally carrying with a valid permit. I need to know if [senator’s name] thinks legal gun ownership justifies execution by federal agents. I need a yes or no answer. Does the Second Amendment apply to everyone, or just to people who vote the right way?”

Then add:

“Because if my senator won’t defend a legal gun owner from federal agents, I’ll find someone in the primary who will. Your 2A credibility is on the line.”

The Actual Principle You Claim to Believe

You want to stop terrorists? Great.
You want secure borders? Fine.
You want law and order? Whatevs.

But you don’t get to kill legal gun owners for possessing firearms.

That’s the line. If you won’t draw it, you’re a fraud. Your Gadsden flag stickers are worthless. Your NRA endorsements are theater. Your “constitutional conservative” brand is bullshit.

This Is Your Legacy Moment

When federal agents killed a legal gun owner and you said nothing, your voters will remember.

When your 2026 primary opponent runs ads showing Alex Pretti bleeding out while you stayed silent, don’t cry about unfairness.

When gun rights groups ask for your endorsement and someone brings up the time you let a permitted carrier get executed without saying a word, don’t act surprised.

You had a choice: Defend gun rights for everyone, or defend them only when politically convenient.

Choose wisely. The calls are being counted.

Make them answer. They work for YOU, not Trump, not DHS, not their “team.”

If they dodge, primary them. If they defend the killing, primary them. If they hide, primary them.

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Today, Border Patrol agents shot and killed Alex Pretti, a 37-year-old ICU nurse from Minneapolis. He was a U.S. citizen with no criminal record. He had a valid permit to carry. He wasn’t a threat—he was recording federal agents with his phone when they pepper-sprayed a woman.

Videos show what happened next: agents tackled Pretti to the ground. Within seconds, he was shot multiple times. The gun DHS later photographed wasn’t visible in his hands during the confrontation. The Minnesota Gun Owners Caucus president says evidence suggests Pretti was disarmed before agents fired the fatal shots.

This is the third federal shooting in Minneapolis in 17 days.

This Is Your Issue Too

If you support the Second Amendment, Alex Pretti’s death should alarm you. This isn’t about immigration policy or protests—it’s about whether legal gun owners can be killed by federal agents for having a firearm, even when it’s not drawn or visible.

Pretti carried the same Sig Sauer P320 that federal agents carry. He had the legal right to possess it. Minnesota allows open carry with a valid permit. Yet federal officials claim his mere possession of ammunition made him a threat worthy of deadly force.

Where does this stop? If lawful carry equals justification for lethal force, every permitted gun owner becomes a potential target during any federal law enforcement encounter.

Republican Senators: This Is Your Moment

For years, you’ve campaigned on defending Second Amendment rights. You’ve promised to stand against government overreach. Alex Pretti’s family—and millions of legal gun owners—are watching to see if those promises were real.

We’re not asking you to investigate (though you should). We’re not asking you to hold hearings (though you should). We’re asking you to say, on the record, that legal gun ownership does not justify summary execution by federal agents.

Take Action Now

Call these Republican senators—especially if they’re from your state or up for reelection in 2026. Be respectful but firm. Use this script or your own words:

“I’m calling about the Alex Pretti shooting. I’m a gun owner and voter, and I need to know whether [Senator’s name] believes legal gun ownership justifies lethal force by federal agents. This isn’t about immigration—it’s about whether Americans can be killed for exercising their Second Amendment rights. I need a clear statement that lawful carry does not equal a death sentence.”

Key Senators to Contact (DC Office Numbers):

Up for reelection in 2026:

• Sen. Susan Collins (ME): 202-224-2523

• Sen. Joni Ernst (IA): 202-224-3254 (not seeking reelection)

• Sen. Thom Tillis (NC): 202-224-6342 (retiring)

Strong 2A records:

• Sen. Rand Paul (KY): 202-224-4343

• Sen. Mike Lee (UT): 202-224-5444

• Sen. Ted Cruz (TX): 202-224-5922

• Sen. John Barrasso (WY): 202-224-6441

• Sen. Cynthia Lummis (WY): 202-224-3424 (not seeking reelection)

Leadership positions:

• Sen. John Thune (Senate Majority Leader - SD): 202-224-2321

• Sen. John Cornyn (Senate Majority Whip - TX): 202-224-2934

Western/Libertarian constituencies:

• Sen. Dan Sullivan (AK): 202-224-3004

• Sen. James Risch (ID): 202-224-2752

Why This Matters Beyond Partisanship

Alex Pretti was an ICU nurse who cared for veterans. His family says he was upset about Trump’s immigration crackdown. He likely wasn’t your typical Republican voter.

That’s exactly why this matters.

If we only defend gun rights for people who vote like us, think like us, or protest like us, then we don’t actually believe in gun rights—we believe in tribalism. The Second Amendment doesn’t ask about your voter registration. It doesn’t care whether you support the current president.

Legal gun ownership is legal gun ownership. Federal agents shouldn’t be able to kill citizens for exercising constitutional rights, period.

Make the calls. Demand answers. Alex Pretti’s death can’t be normalized.

For more information and to submit video evidence: Hennepin County DA’s website has set up a portal for the investigation.

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I just don’t have anything to say about this 2-ish minutes of YankoBoop. Please play it. Here:

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Either we overthrow a king every 249 years (and we get off our collective asses a little more effectively RIGHT NOW OR NEVER), or we really just don’t, and we accept this Orbanization of what was pretty much the best darn tootin’ piece of home until 74 million people broke my heart (and a bunch more stayed home) on November 5, 2024.

And the hell that hath been wrought since January 20, 2025? Worse than I imagined. So much for me being a sky-is-falling snowflake.

No, I haven't really PERSONALLY felt the true kick in the gut from this YET—other than watching the unraveling of whatever fragile threads were left holding together this experiment of a country:

• Basic decency

• Functioning institutions

• The ability to travel abroad at will without being ridiculed

• The ability to return home without worrying that my little website might get me sent to the El Salvador Gulag or Alligator Auschwitz (if my 6 MPH over the speed limit doesn't get me sent there first—without due process, we are ALL 6 MPH over the limit away from this—TRUE STORY).

I'm nostalgic for the 54+ years during which my government was not actively trying to kill me.

Next up: I update 40 continuing education courses for CPAs and Enrolled Agents.

So, yeah, I've read the bill. I've tracked it. Since this is very probably the last job I'll ever have, I kinda need to keep it. So I can't go writing stuff down that just ain't so and expect the customers to be like "cool" (these are customers who write in when my rounding in a review question answer choice is different from THEIR rounding).

The One Big Beautiful Bill Act.

Yes, its original name, because we have allowed the government to be over-run by people with all the sophistication, class, and restraint of adolescent boys who can't get laid and think they should be getting lots of laid.

I'll just mention the little problem we will mostly all feel (due to the gutting of Medicaid and stuff).

Yeah, most of us aren't on Medicaid.

(Dear Doh!klahomans: Soonercare = Medicaid)

But you know who benefits from Medicaid?

• All those kids we're gonna need to grow up enough to pick all the fruit rotting in the fields since all the brown people were kicked out.

• Aunt Doris and Uncle Ed in the nursing home.

Even if their families can scrape together the resources to keep from having to provide care they just are not equipped to do well (at the same time they have their own lives, jobs, and kids soon to be unemployed with layoffs due to shitter economy + A.I.), lots of facilities are going to close.

But whatever.

I'm just trying not to be despondent.

So here's a video.

Why was all this money taken?

To fund ICE.

They blew through their annual budget by last month, and now they've been handed a budget BIGGER THAN:

• the FBI

• the Bureau of Prisons (and the US ain't known for its lack of prisons!)

• the DEA

-- COMBINED.

And is any of it for judges? To at least cos-play due process before shoving people into Alligator Auschwitz?

Nope—just more agents.

And more facilities.

And some Alaska scraps, apparently enough for MurCOWERski (to use a Trumpian-style nickname, oh the sophistication!) to refrain from casting a "NO" vote that would have saved millions of lives (not to mention avoid this final nail in the climate-change coffin).

Oh, well.

Low-Rent Lindsay
A folk ballad for the vanishing spine.

The Yankoboop is right here for your viewing pleasure. Right here! Play it.

If you made it this far...

• Share this with that relative who still says "both sides."

• Comment below with your Medicaid nightmare or A.I. layoff story.

• Subscribe before we all get shipped to Alligator Auschwitz together.

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Hashtags, because why not:

#LowRentLindsay #AlligatorAuschwitz #PipelineParticipationTrophy
#OrbanizationUSA #ICEAge #WeatherVaneWaltz
#ElSalvadorGulagNorth #FruitRotsWhileKidsStarve
#MixtapeOnTheTitanic #WAGTeamDispatch #IJustWantedHealthcare

If the ship's going down, I'm playing this one on the deck. Loud.

I’m back to that formerly welcome-departed Sunday morning routine: wake up, check the phone, discover democracy has shit the bed again. This time it's bombs dropping on Iran while we collectively hold our breath and wonder how a reality TV host with daddy issues became the arbiter of global stability.

Timothy Snyder reminds us of five sorta good-to-remember things about war.

Lookin’ at you, four and five!

4. Wars are unpredictable

5. Wars are easy to start and hard to stop

Military strikes? Sometimes necessary. Reasonable people have made compelling cases for when force serves legitimate strategic purposes. But this? This isn't strategery. This is a toddler with nuclear weapons having a meltdown because his approval ratings are in the toilet and Elon won't return his calls.

Every Accusation, a Confession

Remember all them "STOP WARS" signs from the campaign?

Remember Charlie Kirk tweeting about how Trump would bring "peace in Ukraine, Israel, and the Middle East again"?

The pattern is always the same: whatever they accuse others of doing, they're already planning to do worse. The man who ran on "no new wars" just started one because hims feelers got hurt.

The Attention Economy Goes Nucular

This isn’t geopolitics. It's the logical endpoint of social media narcissism. When your entire worldview revolves around being the main character, and the metrics show you're losing relevance, what's left except to blow something up?

We've reached the point where foreign policy is "go viral or go ballistic so you can go viral, please pay attention to him."

The Corporate Sponsors of Apocalypse

This production brought to you by:

• Unresolved daddy issues

• Plummeting approval ratings

• A desperate need for attention

• And viewers like you, who probably thought fascism would be quieter

Here We Are Again

The protesters are already in the streets outside Trump Tower and the White House. The signs read "Trump is a war criminal" and "Stop the war in Iran." Some of us are doom-scrolling while Rome burns, rating our own apocalypse on Yelp.

I’m not surprised. I’m exhausted. I’m holding my breath while a man-baby with access to nuclear weapons throws tantrums on social media and calls it foreign policy.

What Now?

So, the death throes of a dying democracy, sponsored by the military-industrial complex and a narcissist who can't handle not being the center of attention for five fucking minutes. Made music that’s kinda funny to cry-laugh with.

The YankoBoop. Right here. Two minutes. C’mon. Play her.

How are you holding up?

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Drop a comment and let's process this latest installment of "American Democracy: The Final Season" together.

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Share. Under anyone posting “mission accomplished” memes unironically.

#DaddyIssuesAndLowPollNumbers 
#ApocalypseSponsors 
#DamnTheseConsequences 
#MainCharacterSyndrome

He rilly rilly rilly wants you to pay ‘tention to him.

I miss being able to ignore politics.

Watch. Here. Three-ish minutes. C’mon.

Part protest ballad, part gallows humor, part bedtime story for those who thought fascism would at least be quieter. It’s a musical middle finger to another MAGA Forever War and the voters who keep putting military cosplay maniacs in charge.

💌 Subscribe — For more YankoBoops, investigative sass, and anti-authoritarian anthems.

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🔁 Share — Especially with that cousin who thinks Trump ended wars. You know the one.

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💬 Comment — Tell us which line punched you in the diaphragm. Bonus points for war puns.

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🐾 Moby Has Thinks

Same warmongers, new merch. If you see a flag next to a bomb, don’t salute it; boop it.

#BoopTheGenerals
#NapTimeForDespots
#GolfCartsAndGenocide
#YallQaedaUnleashed
#MAGAdoAboutNothing

Tanks rolling through DC while grocery prices stay sky-high. $134 million for fascist theater while Medicaid gets stripped from many many many many.

I remember 2020.

"We have to go by the laws. We can't move in the National Guard unless we're requested by a governor." That was Trump then. Now it's Tank Man 2.0, "very heavy force" threats, and pregnant citizens getting roughed up by federal agents.

You voted for cheaper eggs. You got militarized streets. You wanted secure borders. You got kidnapped four-year-olds. You trusted the process. Elon's machines helped rig the prize.

The con is complete. The thief delivered exactly what he promised his real constituents: chaos, spectacle, and the systematic destruction of everything you thought you were voting to protect.

So here’s a short YankoBoop.

Two-ish minutes of unapologetic fury set to a driving punk beat. No subtlety. No both-sides. Just the raw truth about what happens when fascists cosplay competence and democracy dies in tactical gear.

Watch it before tomorrow's parade. Share it during. Because sometimes the only honest response to manufactured crisis is manufactured rage.

👇 Feel Something?

😢 Scream with me.

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📤 Share with someone who remembers when presidents didn't deploy tanks against citizens.

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#NoKings #TankMan2Point0 #EmbattledRuler #TheConIsComplete #JamsForLateCapitalism

👇 Feel Something?

• 😢 Cry with me.

• 📩 Subscribe for more Moby-led mixed media meltdowns.

• 📤 Share with someone who’s ever voted, eaten fruit, or screamed into an envelope.

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Share Democracy on Hospice (DOH!)

#HashtagsFromTheAbyss

#PeelTheSystem #ExportDemocracyImportBananas #TikTokConspiracyTutors #MinimumWageMaximumPotassium #TheEndIsRipe #JamsForLateCapitalism

The Great Executive Order Tantrum Trilogy of 2025 (yippee!)

1- 🧾 Yank Harvard’s tax exemption

File under things that require a visual: HARVARD, YOU UP?

(Right here. Play my video. It’s 3:28 well-spent. I’m learning one new skill every weekend and this had that weekend’s skill. Tell me in the comments what you think the new skill in this video is.)

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My college’s homecoming game was against Harvard FFS. And now this turkey has me rooting for Harvard (and China, and covid).

And if we’re pulling tax exemption from Harvard—churches next, please.

But seriously—people: stop sending Harvard money.

Yes, great instinct. Now redirect it somewhere useful:

https://www.nationalpopularvote.com

ELIMINATE_ELECTORAL_COLLEGE

2-🧃 Cut off all federal funding

Real quotation, probably:

“You didn’t let my son in, so you can’t have science now.”

He’s not punishing institutions. He’s punishing:

• Cancer researchers (not to mention patients)

• Public health departments (not to mention, like, you know, the PUBLIC)

• Climate modelers (not to mention anyone who lives in the climate)

• I could go on but I have to work tomorrow.

🧠 This is not brain drain. It’s a brain nuke.

You break the pipeline, you break the future.

“China is now celebrating Trump’s attack on Harvard...
Chinese universities are promising to unconditionally accept banned Harvard international students.”

🎯 So not only are we losing our minds... we’re handing most of the best ones directly to our greatest global competitor.

Because 70 million people couldn’t change the channel and/or were victims of the information/news deserts that we’ve allowed to overtake the nation. And we’ve de-funded public education. But in the interest of getting this post made today, I’ll stop.

One more tantrum thingy first.

3- 🌍 Ban international students

LOL okay—but...

🧾 How they gonna pay the bills?

When I was teaching in the business school at Texas A&M (Commerce—now renamed something more branding-optimized like East Texas A&M), the international students in the business school weren’t just pulling their tuition-and-fees-and-live-in-the-sticks-in-North-Texas weight—they were basically paying for Cletus’s and Jethro’s entire edu-muh-cations.

Mohammed and Abdullah?
They paid for Cletus.
And for Jethro.
And for Kayleigh, whose cousin Brax got the call to be “Interim Interim VP of Campus Facilities” for six whole months.

I’ve been in the registrar’s office.

I’ve sat through many an accreditation meeting (or heard the recaps thereof).

I’ve sat through many a self-congratulatory “yay, business school! Look at all these humanities departments we’re funding!” meeting.

📉 No internationals = no school for Cletus and Kayleigh

It’s not enough to wreck America’s reputation, alliances, and global currency status. No—he’s gotta torch institutions older than the U.S. itself just cuz that’s what he do.

Every minute he’s awake, he breaks something.

So here’s the B-Roll.
I didn’t get around to posting it, but now here it is. Because you need to hear what delusion sounds like in full reggaetronic glory.

🎧 “Bigly Aptitude” — the very stable byte track.

Voice of confusion. Beat of tyranny. Dad of the year.
Play it. Laugh-cry. Tell me if you figured out the new skill I learned that weekend.

#StanfordDidnt #HarvardDidnt #BarronsRevenge #MobysBRoll #BiglyAptitude #ExecutiveTantrum

📣 If this made you laugh, scream, nod like a tired civics teacher, or spit out your LaCroix:

🔁 Share it. Don’t let the next tantrum go undocumented.

🧠 Subscribe at www.democracyonhospice.com for more mixtape drops, rants, receipts, and reggaetronic ballads from the end times.

🗣️ Got thoughts on how to rebuild higher ed? Or just want to guess what new skill I learned in that video?

Drop it in the comments. I read them.

✉️ Civic-minded finger? Raised.

Your move.

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🎶 COMING SOON:

“Hell Yeah, Cletus” — the baby bonus anthem you need to hear. You do. Really. Possibly see, depending on what skill I might add.

Breed 'em for a bonus, y’all!
Five grand and a half-box of meat.
No Wi-Fi, no healthcare, but sure—let’s pay folks to populate the wreckage.

It’s the MAGA lullaby for the post-policy age.

Stay tuned. It’s nearly trailer-ready.

#HellYeahCletus #BiglyBabies #MobysMixtape #StanfordDidnt #PostPolicyParenting

It’s about how debased the office has become. How much of a worldwide disappointment, embarrassing, classless, despicable bully the usa has become.

Thanks, MAGA.

The first 1:40 is the tattoo argument heard ‘round the world.

The rest is the YankoBoop, “Holy See Me Now.”

Holy See Me Now

Saint Donald of Mar-a-Lago, hallowed be thy scam
"Believe me folks," he bleats and shrieks democracy's on the lam
His papal résumé's "tremendous"—wives changed up like socks
Turns "many people are dying" to gospel on fucking Fox
"Big, beautiful miracles, the biggest you've ever seen"
And convinced his flock that facts are "totally fake news, very mean"

Holy See Me Now, Vatican Coup
Communion wafers with his face, "so incredible, it's true"
Confess your sins to @realDonaldPope
The only faith he preaches is himself—and that's no fucking joke

"Blessed are the hedge fund kings, they're very, very smart"
"And those who pay no taxes, they're playing at a whole different art"
The College of Cardinals in red caps—"such loyalty, so great"
While evangelists kiss rings because "nobody respects women more than me, just wait"
The Sistine Chapel ceiling? "Sad! Low energy! Needs my brand!"
"Michelangelo, not a genius, his hands were much smaller than my hands"

When Jesus fed the multitudes, "Let me tell you, he meant"
"They should've paid me, I make the best deals, one hundred percent"
When Moses brought Ten Commandments, "a disaster, by the way"
Trump said, "Mine would be perfect, I know more than Moses, okay?"

Holy See Me Now, Vatican Scheme
Where salvation's "exclusive" through a covfefe tweet
The patron saint of hucksters, "a very stable genius" con
Selling golden tickets with fine print: "Your soul? Yuge pawn!"
"Nobody's more infallible than me, that is bigly true"
The Pope of "You're fired!" has your soul all lined up in his queue
"Render unto Caesar? Fake news! I'm Caesar times ten!"
Saint Donald's collection plate: "Just tithe and tithe again"

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#PopeCovfefeTheGreat #PhotoshopForDummies #MSThirteenOrMaybeNot #GetHimThePicture #BeautifulWhiteHat #TremendousCross #InfallibilityComplex #TwoCommandmentsAreEnough #TheLastGrift #HolySeeMeNow

Another YankoBoop dispatch from WAG Team HQ.

If you've been following my rapid descent into despair via musical theater — good news. I finished four of these gems this week, and here they are. Everything you’d want in your YankoBoops (and more): sperm incubators, pearl-clutching senators, fascist hotline menus, and kids deported in their Winnie-the-Pooh hoodies.

You know.

‘Murrica since January 20, 2025.

This post started off as a short(ish) list of things I could do on January 19, 2025 that I cannot do today. It was so depressing, I turned to several of jamz I’d been cooking up, and I finished ‘em. So here they are.

🧬 Spermies of the Month Club

A barbershop anthem ‘bout billionaire pantloads (one in particular) who want to repopulate Mars with their s0-much-winNing genes.

This ditty captures all the joy and nuance of Elon’s eugenics-themed dating service. Inspired by real news about unsolicited DM proposals, surrogacy NDAs, and this most tragically un-likable dood’s plan to “reach legion-level before the apocalypse.”

Here it is. Right here.

Background, icymi -

Jimmy Kimmel Live-Trump Won’t Bring Back Mistakenly Deported Man, Elon’s Baby Making Quest & MyPillow Mike Evicted

Next Up: MurCOWERski 🧳 Too Scared to Do Our Fucking Jobs

Lisa Murkowski live from Terminal B, softly panicking while the Constitution burns.

Here it is. Play it. Then send it to your senator.

Here it is, straight from the horselet’s mouth. See for yourself.

Anchorage Daily News - U.S. Sen. Lisa Murkowski on responding to fear and anxiety after Trump administration actions

While we’re discussing feckless Republicans…

Here’s one from a bit ago (way back in February? Whenever the Gulf of America nonsense started).

Gulf of Maine-ingless Gestures

Here’s the tune. You know the drill.

Remember how during the campaign so many MAGATs (especially the 3-fers) were ranting and raving about Kamala’s grave failure to give enough press conferences?

CBS 13 News - Maine protesters call out Sen. Collins for not holding a town hall in 25 years

And yet they keep electing her.

And then she Susans us all. Over and over and over.

Sigh. It’s time to call it a night. Back to Murcowerski.

🧠 Thoughts, Prayers, and Airport Stares

The saddest one. When the Senate’s empathy becomes aesthetic — while fascists load kids onto planes.

Play me.

See fer yerself.

The Bulwark - Murkowski Says She’s Scared. Tim Says QUIT the GOP and Join the Fight!

So, yeah.

They’re deporting 9-year-olds.

Aaand (oops) hot-mic planning “5 more CECOTs.”

LBC - Leading Britain’s Conversation - Donald Trump caught on hot mic moment planning further abuse of power

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Hist’ry

A Little Parallelly? Maybe? Ya Think?

🕰️ How Long Did It Take Hitler to Consolidate Power?

Adolf Hitler was appointed Chancellor of Germany on January 30, 1933. From there, here’s the timeline of his swift (the swiftest!) authoritarian consolidation:

• February 27, 1933 – Reichstag Fire, used as pretext to suspend civil liberties.

• February 28, 1933 – Reichstag Fire Decree issued: mass arrests, censorship, elimination of opposition.

• March 23, 1933 – Enabling Act passed, allowing Hitler to rule by decree — effectively ending democracy in Germany.

• July 14, 1933 – Nazi Party declared the only legal political party.

👉 TOTAL TIME: ~6 months from chancellor appointment to one-party dictatorship.

🇺🇸 How Long Has Trump Been in Office (Again)?

• Trump was re-inaugurated on January 20, 2025.

• As of April 17, 2025, that’s 88 days into his second term — just under 3 months.

⚖️ Comparison:

We are halfway through Hitler’s six-month consolidation period — and we’ve already seen:

• Disregard for Supreme Court orders (e.g., Kilmar Abrego Garcia case)

• Political retaliation openly discussed (Lisa Murkowski’s “we are all afraid” remarks)

• Expansion of detention infrastructure abroad (Trump’s hot mic: “build five more [CECOTs]”)

• Increased deportations and rollback of legal protections, even in schools

• Cult-like rhetoric about “legions” and fertility strategies from allied billionaires

🧨

Hitler took six months. We’re at month three.
The ovens don’t need to be hot yet for the fascism to be fully cooked.
We’re not early. We’re right on time to stop it — if we move.

By “we” I mean WE.

I’m sure some of my jokes were inspired by Tiedrich, whose Substack I highly highly highly recommend.

www.jefftiedrich.com

Bonus:

Stevie Wonder - Songs In The Key Of Life (Full Album)

Markets bounced when the tariffs paused.
DFT did a little twirl.
And the base cheered: “4-D chess! Art of the deal!”

Meanwhile…

“Maybe God sent Trump… as an affliction.
We are going to learn why protectionism is bad.
Why even the greatest power on earth needs allies.
Why we need the rule of law at home.
We’re going to learn that the hard way.”
— David Frum 1

So yeah. Bounce today.

But the long-term damage? It’s generational.
We’ve taught the world America’s promises are soft,
its economy brittle, its laws optional.

But hey—he made the country look bigger on a map.2

So here’s an anthem (of sorts) for ego-based annexation and sovereign splashdowns.

The YankoBoop. Right here. Yer welc.

🧾 For your MAGA uncle who only trusts numbers. ➤ The Serious Part

• The bond market’s sending up distress flares.

• The dollar’s flopping in its safe-haven floaties.

• FDIC is more suggestion than guarantee.

The Serious Part (Thank you, Claude and ChatGPT for the help in keeping this short ‘n sweet)

📉 What's Happening in the U.S. Bond Market?

In early April 2025, the U.S. Treasury bond market experienced a significant sell-off, leading to a sharp rise in yields.Notably, the 10-year Treasury yield surged from 4.01% to 4.58% within a week, marking its largest weekly increase since the 2008 financial crisis .​Wikipedia+1Swiss Re Group | Swiss Re+1AP News

This spike in yields is unusual because, during times of market stress, investors typically flock to U.S. Treasuries as a safe haven, which would drive yields down. However, the opposite occurred, indicating a potential erosion of confidence in U.S. government debt.​

🧠 Why Is This Significant?

The bond market is a critical component of the global financial system. U.S. Treasuries are considered one of the safest investments and serve as a benchmark for various interest rates, including mortgages and corporate loans.​The Motley Fool

A rise in Treasury yields can lead to higher borrowing costs for consumers and businesses, potentially slowing economic growth. Moreover, if investors lose confidence in U.S. debt, it could undermine the dollar's status as the world's primary reserve currency.​AP News

🔍 What's Causing the Turmoil?

Several factors have contributed to the recent bond market volatility:

• Policy Uncertainty: President Trump's announcement of widespread tariffs on nearly all U.S. trade partners has introduced significant uncertainty, prompting investors to reassess the risk associated with U.S. assets .​AP News+4MarketWatch+4Reuters+4

• Inflation Concerns: Tariffs can lead to higher consumer prices, fueling inflation fears. Rising inflation erodes the value of fixed-income investments like bonds, leading investors to demand higher yields.​The Guardian

• Hedge Fund Activity: The unwinding of complex hedge fund strategies, such as "basis trades," has added to market volatility. These trades involve exploiting small price differences between related securities, and their rapid unwinding can exacerbate market movements .​MarketWatch+1AP News+1

• Foreign Investor Behavior: There are concerns that major foreign holders of U.S. debt, like China and Japan, might reduce their Treasury holdings in response to geopolitical tensions, further pressuring the market .​Latest news & breaking headlines+1Reuters+1

🧭 Where to Find More Information

For a non-partisan and detailed analysis of the bond market, consider exploring the following resources:

• Charles Schwab's Bond Market Update: Provides insights into current bond market trends and factors influencing them.​

• Morningstar's Bond Market Outlook: Offers a comprehensive overview of bond market dynamics and future expectations.​

• Bloomberg's U.S. Rates & Bonds: Features real-time data and analysis on U.S. government bond yields and related news.​

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Tell me: which part hit hardest—“Little Donnies” or the death of FDIC vibes?

Leave a comment

#FDICYLater
#WaterYouTalkingAbout
#LittleDonnies
#FloatiesOfDelusion
#TantrumAndTradeDeficit

1

The Bulwark

David Frum: It's Too Late to Stop the Pain

Trump has effectively imposed a trade embargo on China, which means that after the inventory runs out, American retail will soon dry up. Since Europeans are already bypassing U.S. military contractors to beef up their defense spending —El Salvador is our only ally now— Trump is likely to do something desperate, like firing the Fed chair or seizing Greenland. American presidents decades from now will still be cleaning up what Trump did to this country in 2025. David Frum breaks down the insanity and stupidity of the vision behind the tariffs regime as well as the deep feelings of betrayal in Canada. If globalism means peace, prosperity, and commerce, then let's be globalists…

Listen now

a year ago · 259 likes · 68 comments · Jonathan V. Last

The YankoBoop. Jeez.

Just.
Jeez.

Good night.

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The Penguins Are So Relieved

Hush now, America, close your eyes—
Your empire’s held together with duct tape lies.
He’s not a mastermind, not a genius with a plan,
Just a hateful fucking grifter with a tan from a can.

He breaks the rules, then sells the mess,
The morons say "winning" on Fox and Friends.
He stokes the flames, then holds the hose,
And dances while the world implodes.

Rock-a-bye markets, crash and burn,
Sleep through chaos, don’t you learn.
And if you cheer while justice bends—
Don’t be surprised how this shit ends.

His fans don’t care, they want the pain,
Someone’s loss — somehow their gain.
They’d rather watch it all collapse,
Than see the truth or check the facts.

No plan. No genius. Just a void.
A baby king with toys destroyed.
He's not confused, he's right on course,
Burns the stable, kills the horse.

Rock-a-bye nation, ash and snow,
When it all falls down, they’ll say “we know.”
And while we rage and fight and grieve—
The penguins are so relieved.

It’s not about me.

Technically, I’m fine. I have degrees, credentials, a roof, a stubborn streak.
I’ve built a life that gives me a certain insulation from the direct blows.
At least the first few rounds.

If I wanted, I could tell myself this doesn’t affect me.
But it does.
And more importantly, it’s not about me.

It’s about watching due process fade into something performative.
A checklist (ignored), a posture, an almost-gesture.

It’s about habeas corpus being treated like a mere relic, not the foundation of a democracy.

I teach ethics to professionals.
CPAs, lawyers, people with “fiduciary duties”and public trust built into their roles.
Lately, this feels less like education and more like archaeological preservation.
I’m just rambling on about the shape of what used to be.

I think about my daughter, living her life, both of us hoping (I assume) for her to have agency. 
Over her life, her voice, her body. 
I didn't realize how much I was taking for granted.

I think about the generation before mine. 
A generation that had to earn all of those things and who told stories about how hard it was to win them.
And then some of them just handed their vote to the man burning it all to the ground.

Some of them did this three times.

I can’t make sense of it. I don’t pretend to.
But I carry the weight of it—of what’s being lost, and how quietly.
Not with bangs or headlines, but with shrugs and silence.
With people deciding it's not their problem (until it is).

Some moments it feels like betrayal.
Other moments it feels like grief.
Most moments it feels like both.

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Habeas corpus: Latin for "you shall have the body," a legal principle that protects against unlawful detention by requiring that a person held in custody be brought before a court to determine if their detention is lawful. It's considered a fundamental safeguard of individual liberty against arbitrary state action.

🎬 Real Scene, Not Satire - October 2024 (Ja-Biden)

The Economist.

Not exactly a bastion of woke leftism.

Cover story. Biden economy is the envy of the world—booming jobs, record markets, tamed inflation, strong dollar.

Enter DFT. Fast forward ONE FUCKING QUARTER.

April 2025.

Here’s a little gallery of joy.

What the what what?

Wednesday afternoon. Sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for the Other One to get out of her head CT (making sure the tumors didn’t also take up residence in the head - thankfully, already got the report back - negative (insert airhead joke here if you want)).

OMFG I can’t get away from dis moron ANYWHERE. From the OTHERwaiting room. This blithering idiot.

This blithering idiot follows me everywhere. When I finally get home and check the YouTubeses, there he is again.

I like this Gen Z guy’s commentary. Very smart guy. Adam Mockler.

Mockler on 47’s Liberation Day Rose Garden Bullshit

Stuff

Trump announces tariffs on pretty much all the places, not sure all of them are real.

The U.S. stock market sheds $2 trillion in 20 minutes. (I guess for all you shitheads who held your nose and voted for this turd thinking he wouldn’t do all the crazy shit he promised he was going to do: so sorry.)

Yep, tariffing Viet Nam.
And yeah, I used that as a verb. These are crazy times.
Welcome to Wreck the Economy Day.

🧼 Enter the YankoBoop: Injectin’ Bleach Into the ’conomy

Economic malpractice (moronicness) meets messianic delusion—with maybe a kazoo solo performed by a sobbing mutual fund.

🎧 Listen / Cringe / Rage / Repost

🧠 Reminder: MAGA Isn’t Populism. It’s Plutocracy (Rich People Have All the Power) With Stage Makeup.

It’s not about helping the “forgotten men and women.”
It’s about helping the grifted class feel superior while getting fleeced.
And we all pay the price.

Billionaires buying the dip. Funny how some of ‘em got more awash in cash recently. But we don’t need no protections. It’s all good. Daddy Trump’s got us.

You don't fix a fever by burning down the hospital.
And you don't fix inflation by taxing your own people harder than any peacetime government in U.S. history.

🧯 Final Thought:

We have to get out of this MAGA bullshit.
These are the dumbest people ever handed real power in a democracy.
And they just tried to Clorox the Constitution and inject Windex into Wall Street.

💬 Got rage? Drop your favorite fake Trump economic idea in the comments. Winner gets a red hat embroidered with “Inject This.”

#VeryStableDownturn #OrangeCollarRecession #InjectinBleach #Tariffocalypse #MAGAonomics #LetThemEatHorsePaste

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Injectin' Bleach into the ‘conomy

The market had a mild cold  
A little cough, some trade control  
Then he rolled in with his “miracle cure”  
Said “Don’t worry folks, I’ve got the pure”  

He stared at the Dow like a golden calf  
Called it “weak,” then made us all do math  
Said, “What if we shoot it? Right in the vein?”  
With Lysol stocks and chlorine rain  

He injected bleach into the global flow  
Told Jerome Powell, “Just print and go!”  
Now the dollar’s twitchin’, the bonds can’t cope  
And Wall Street’s trippin’ on ivermectin hope  

Bleach in the veins of the market, oh no  
Flushed out sense like a flushed commode  
Fiscal cliffs with Clorox mist  
And a 401(k) with a death wish  

Liberation Day, they popped the cork  
On tariffs, debt, and horse deworming pork  
Commerce said, “That’s not how it works”  
He said, “Shhh, I saw it on Truth Social first”

He tried to disinfect GDP  
Now GDP has a PhD in bankruptcy  
Said “Trust me, this’ll clean us right up”  
Then drank from a Purell coffee cup  

Bleach in the veins of the market, my friend  
A cleansing fire with no end  
Invest in gold, or buy a bunker  
Your mutual fund’s now just a hunch-er  

He bleached the books, he scrubbed the stats  
Declared a win, and sold red hats  
The economy twitched, then flat-out died  
As he winked and said, “We’re terrified.”  
  
Oh Keynes! Oh Milton! Forgive our sin!  
He poured Lysol straight into NASDAQ’s chin  
It wasn’t a stimulus, it wasn’t relief  
It was bleach in the bloodstream of belief  

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This song just makes me happy every time I hear it.

Just when I thought the Trump-Vance regime couldn't possibly find new territory for its culture war crusade, these fellas and their enablers have managed to outdo themselves.

On March 27, 2025, DearLeader45/47 signed an executive order directing VP JD to remove "improper ideology" from institutions such as the National Zoo and other Smithsonian entities.

The National Zoo. Hotbed of radical leftist indoctrination that it became under Jabiden.

But what exactly means this: "improper ideology" at a zoo? Are the monkeys hosting critical theory book clubs? Are the flamingos forming queer collectives? Is the sloth teaching anti-capitalist resistance through deliberate non-productivity?

The executive order (EO #9- bazillion) specifically targets the National Museum of African American History and Culture and the American Women's History Museum, suggesting these institutions present "divisive narratives." It also recommends reinstating Confederate monuments (because nothing says "patriotism" quiiiiite like celebrating those who tried to break up the nation that other time back then, you know, so they could keep slaves and whatnot) and mandates that the Women's History Museum not recognize transgender women.

This latest move follows a string of embarrassing national security blunders, including Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's Signal chat controversy and National Security Advisor Michael Waltz's public Venmo account that revealed connections to hundreds of associates.

I bring this up again only to point out: all this other attempted distraction bullshit is NOT removing the Heggy-led text-y fistbump-USflag-fire “we bomb at 2” from the headlines, much to Hillbilly Isis’s chagrin.

Clearly, though, the real threat to America isn't officials leaking classified information—it's the progressive penguins.

In honor of this monumental moment in zoo-based culture warfare, the Wag Team has produced a new hit single imagining VP Vance's harrowing encounter with the subversive animals of the National Zoo.

"Zoo the F*** Do You Think You Are!"

Couldn’t pick which I liked better for cover art, so you get both of my masterpieces.

And the YankoBoop. Right here.

Inspired by Creepy Veepy’s new mission to de-woke-ify the nation's animal exhibits, I've imagined his nightmarish confrontation with the radical fauna of the National Zoo. From unionizing chimpanzees to gender-theory-teaching meerkats, this avant-garde jazz rock track with theatrical Broadway flair captures the paranoid spiral of a man who sees leftist indoctrination lurking behind every cage.

I’m not even kidding.

Really American Media - Trump Targets "WOKE ZOOS" with INSANE New Order

The song follows the confused VP as he discovers the horrifying truth: the animals have been reading theory, organizing protests, and worst of all, using they/them pronouns. By the end, he's completely unhinged, calling for ICE to raid the iguana habitat while desperately searching for his beloved furniture.

Meanwhile, In Actual National Security News

While the 45/47 regime focuses on the pressing issue of woke zoo animals, let's remember what's happening with actual national security:

1. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared classified information about Yemen airstrikes in a Signal group chat that included a journalist (not letting you push that out of the attention with this bullshit distraction) [Wall Street Journal] 1

2. The CIA director had to publicly declare that Hegseth "was not drunk" when discussing bombing plans (reassuring fer sure)[The Independent]2

3. National Security Advisor Michael Waltz had his Venmo account set to public, revealing hundreds of his personal and professional connections [Global News]3

4. The DOJ won't prosecute anyone over the Signal chat fiasco because reasons

But don't worry, America's greatest threat—progressive penguins with pronoun pins—is being handled with the utmost urgency.

This Week's Reading Recommendations for the Resistance:

1. "Zoos: A Critical History" by Elizabeth Hanson — Because nothing is more dangerous than understanding the complex colonial history of zoological gardens. 4

2. "All We Can Save: Truth, Courage, and Solutions for the Climate Crisis" edited by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson & Katharine K. Wilkinson — A collection sure to trigger the administration, featuring women writing about science. 5

3. "The Lorax" by Dr. Seuss — A refresher on environmental messaging that's surely on the verge of being labeled as "improper ideology." 6

💥 Did a radical lemur steal your heart? Subscribe to keep Democracy on Hospice alive! 💥

👇 Comment below with which animal you think is the most dangerous threat to American values. Is it the koalas with their slow-burn marxism? The flamingos with their fabulous stance on gender? 👇

🔄 Share this YankoBoop with anyone who needs a laugh while democracy crumbles!

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⚠️ ANIMALS ON JD'S WATCHLIST ⚠️

Turtles

suspiciously slow - possibly conserving energy for the revolution

Peacocks

flamboyant display of colors suggests LGBTQ+ sympathies

Owls

excessive reading habits; suspected academia connections

Dolphins

communicate in code; may be passing classified information

Elephants

never forget... especially past injustices - dangerous

Beavers

building infrastructure without permits - socialist tendencies

Eagles

becoming increasingly critical of "freedom" definition

Llamas

refusal to recognize authority figures; spitting incidents

Meerkats

always on lookout for "threats" - paranoid surveillance state

Red pandas

red. 'nuff said.

📜 OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL ZOO COLLECTIVE 📜

We, the residents of the National Zoo, categorically deny all allegations of improper ideology. The gorillas have never read Chomsky (the pages are too small for their fingers), and the claim that our penguins formed a "gay agenda book club" is simply speculation based on their formal attire.

The prairie dogs are not "building tunnel networks for underground resistance" but are simply following their natural instincts, much like how Mr. Vance follows his natural instinct to romance household objects.

We request that the Vice President complete sensitivity training before his visit, as the last time a conservative politician entered our grounds, three elephants filed for PTSD compensation.

Respectfully submitted,

The Zoo Residents

(Dictated but not read; lack of opposable thumbs)

🪑 FURNITURE CORNER: Comfort for the Veep 🪑

BREAKING: White House sources confirm JD Vance has requested "emotional support furniture" for his upcoming zoo inspection tour. His requirements include:

- One (1) mid-century modern ottoman (must be "curvy but firm")

- Two (2) plush armchairs (for "strategic planning sessions")

- One (1) antique chaise longue(for "moments of constitutional crisis")

Secret Service has been instructed to pre-screen all furniture for leftist literature hidden between cushions and to ensure no upholstery contains recycled materials, as that would constitute "environmental propaganda."

Staffers have been advised to look away discreetly when the Vice President requires "private time" with particularly attractive display cabinets.

#ZooAnarchyIsRea #FurnitureForVance #WokeWarthogBrunch #AOCPettingZoo #IBlamedThePandas #SlothsReadingMarx #QueerFlamingoBrigade #SaveTheIguanasFromICE #CapybarasTalkingPrivilege #IgotCanceledByAZebra #VanceVsVulture2025 #NationalZooConspiracy

Until next time, when I'll prolly be covering executive orders against the radical leftist agenda of aquariums? National parks? The concept of gravity? Who can say.

Keep wagging against the machine,
JJ-TaxNinny
Democracy on Hospice (DOH!)

Disclaimer: The Wag Team and Democracy on Hospice (DOH!) are satirical projects created to help us all cope with the increasingly bizarre reality of American politics in 2025. No animals were radicalized in the making of this content, though several have expressed interest in joining our newsletter.

Zoo the F*k Do You Think You Are!

Uh… why is the zebra holding a picket sign?  
And what the hell is that sloth reading?  
Wait—did the flamingos just cancel me?

I came to the zoo to unwind and reflect  
Instead I got heckled by a woke dialect  
The chimpanzees formed a union on sight  
And a capybara told me my privilege was white

 Zoo the fuck do you think you are?  
Paintin' rainbows on the monkey bars!  
That jaguar runs a mutual aid  
The penguins got paid parental leave today  
Zoo the fuck—you better stop that chant!  
The iguanas meditate and they recite Kant!  
D.E.I. in the lion’s den,  
It’s “Hakuna Matata” with a socialist pen! 

“In today’s news: a gender-fluid otter organized a 
‘Fur is Murder’ protest by the seal pool.  
The administration has yet to respond. Back to you, flamingos.”

The parrots misgendered me ON PURPOSE I swear  
The hyenas just laughed—oh god they don’t care  
A koala taught C.R.T. to a whole first-grade class  
And the warthogs run drag brunch with flair and sass!

Zoo the fuck—you got theories now?!  
A peacock just cited bell hooks somehow  
The pandas podcast Marxist critique  
And the otters toss books from a banned reading week! 
Zoo the f***—I’m filing a brief!  
The kangaroo smirked like a radical priest  
I came for giraffes, now I’m part of a coup—  
There’s a mural of A.O.C. in the damn petting zoo 

“Shut it down! SHUT IT ALL DOWN!  
Get ice on the iguanas—GO GO GO!!!”

4

Animal Attractions: Nature on Display in American Zoos

Elizabeth Hanson

https://interabangbooks.com/book/9780691117706

5

All We Can Save: Truth, Courage, and Solutions for the Climate Crisis (One World Essentials)

Ayana Elizabeth Johnson (Editor), Katharine K. Wilkinson (Editor)

https://interabangbooks.com/book/9780593237083

6

The Lorax

Dr. Seuss

https://interabangbooks.com/book/9780394823379

I'm exhausted. And embarrassed. And infuriated.

Let's just start with the YankoBoop! "PeteThumping" 🎵

Here it is. Feel free to play it. These won’t be on music distributors anymore because I’d prefer to stay out of the El Salvador Gulag, and that’s just the country we live in now. So for everyone who voted for this (especially the three-fers): F.U.

The YankoBoop. PeteThumping.

Rage-share it.

Britpop Meets National Security Failure

I was 30 minutes into my evening panic-scroll through the day’s nonsense — I had set this shit aside for like some hours — to help the Other One with her first chemo (went fine) and to, you know, do my day job (which is finally great) and WHAT?

I was scrolling through headlines about our Secretary of Defense's classified text adventures. They’ve been published pretty much everywhere except Fox and Dear Leader’s other outlets.

Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" slid into my jamz and I had a moment.

Suddenly, I wasn't just annoyed at the news—I was jamming, and I was transported right back to 1997.

This particular ditty (still love it!) takes me RIGHT back to a hotel room in Prague, where The Matron and I were traveling across just a smidge of Eastern Europe. It was a great trip, this “fam trip.” The Matron was in the travel business at the time, and I’d spent enough holidays and summers delivering airline tickets that I could go on an occasional one of these fam[iliarization] jaunts — trips to places, big discounts in return for familiarizing ourselves with their properties (so as to sell them better). No internet yet. No YouTube. Imagine!

This fam trip was to Dachau, Auschwitz, and Krakow.

It was the November after I finished law school. A fall trip with a party bus full of travel agents with a fun-n-somber agenda.

I have only my mental pictures because someone forgot to put film in her camera.

It was a different time to be an American abroad. There was a quiet pride in being from a country that stood for something better (and that had helped defeat, you know, fascism and stuff).

At the time, The Matron and I didn't agree on everything—how dare I suggest that Reagan's trickle-down magic wasn't really working out for anyone beyond our comfortable bubble. But our disagreements still existed within a shared reality where facts mattered and democracy was non-negotiable.

Then, over the years, some people didn’t even try to resist getting red-pilled (and it’s this unwillingness to consider taking even little itty bitty baby steps toward looking outside of Fox that (at first) kept me so infuriated out of my mind). A steady diet of increasingly extreme media and algorithmic radicalization.

Now folks seem to think that transgender foreigners have somehow stolen opportunities they were entitled to but never actually had—opportunities that exist only in the mythology of their grievance-based worldview. What was once a political disagreement has morphed into completely separate realities.

Back then, we didn't have to agree on everything. I would've bet [something really worth betting] that we agreed on basic humanity, kindness, not torturing people, checks and balances in the branches of government, the rule of law. Travel was a good thing. Exposure to other cultures was a good thing. It was cool being able to have checking accounts (even as women!) and to vote! And if needed, to terminate a pregnancy. Even in Texas. No fear of getting charged with murder should one in a pregnant state suddenly miscarry.

While touring Auschwitz, the Matron and I agreed (silently) that is was sad and horrific: these piles of eyeglasses and hair and other things collected from people on their way to being gassed, or maybe pried from their fried bodies (who can say?).

Dark, rainy, musty smell, too warm for the season (I think we were already divided on the whole "myth" of climate change — guess which one of us believed science (and may have written her first YankoBoop in 1980-ish, at age 10, on "hydras floored carboms (sic) destroying the Os' Tone Layer" (tortured pun —I started early — hydrofluorocarbons destroying the ozone layer).

And now here we are in 2025, with a Secretary of Defense who can't manage a group chat but somehow has access to the nuclear codes. We’ve changed sides — yep — screw Ukraine, long live Russia (apparently).

And one of us voted for this (three times).

For the record, here’s my view:

WhiskeyLeaks: The Ackshual Scandal

Here's what happened, for anyone who missed it:

✔️ National Security Advisor Michael Waltz accidentally added Jeffrey Goldberg (editor of The Atlantic) to a Signal group chat called 'Houthi PC small group'

✔️Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth then shared detailed war plans for Yemen airstrikes two hours before they happened

✔️ The plans included "precise information about weapons packages, targets, and timing"

✔️ When confronted, Hegseth denied it happened at all, despite the National Security Council confirming the texts are authentic

✔️ Absolutely ZERO accountability or consequences

Remember when Republicans wanted Hillary Clinton LOCKED UP for using a private email server where no classified information was ever found? And also for the record: she was not my favorite. She’d have been infintely preferable to DFT 1.0 and DFT 2.0 is beyond the beyonds. In case you hadn’t noticed.

The WhiskeyLeaks Remix

One song just wasn't enough for this level of national security incompetence, I crafted a second take with a different vibe.

And I’m sharing it right here and right here only.

A twofer.

YankoBoop #2

The Pete Translates™ Press Conference

Reporter: "Secretary Hegseth, can you explain how classified information about Yemen airstrikes was shared with a journalist via Signal?"

Pete: "So I— you're talking about a deceitful and highly-discredited so-called journalist who's made a profession of peddling hoaxes..."

For real.

Translation: I'm attacking the journalist instead of answering the question because I have no defense for my actions.

Reporter: "But the National Security Council confirmed the texts are authentic."

Pete: "Nobody was texting war plans, and that's all I have to say about that."

[LiveNOW from FOX - Signal chat leak: Defense secretary Pete Hegseth remarks on group chat leak]

Translation: I absolutely texted war plans but am counting on my base never believing anything that contradicts what I say.

There's always that one person in the group chat who communicates 50% in emoji. Someone made that person the National Security Adviser.

WHAT YOU CAN DO (INSTEAD OF JUST SCREAMING)

✔️ Share this story and song—make sure everyone understands the hypocrisy

✔️ Don't let them control the narrative—point out the double standard EVERY time

✔️ Remember this in 2026—accountability at the ballot box (assuming there’s anything left by then)

✔️ Check in on your relatives still living under the red pill fog—maybe send them Tubthumping as a reminder of simpler times

✔️ Make your five calls a day (iykyk)

Final Thought:

It's not funny, but laughing is one way to bug them (they’re pretty snowflakey with the ridicule when they’re not the ones dishing it out).

This isn't just another scandal. It's a perfect encapsulation of everything wrong with this administration—incompetence, hypocrisy, and zero accountability.

But we can't just scream into the void. We need to document it, mock it, and organize against it.

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#WhiskeyLeaks #PeteThumping #NationalSecurity #DoubleStandards #Democracy

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PeteThumping

Truth is, I thought secure channels mattered. 

I thought national defense mattered.

But does it? 

Bollocks. 

Not compared to Pete's group chat vibe check.

We'll be leaking
While we're drinking
We'll be leaking

I texted war
Then I blamed the press
You'll never hold me down
I texted war
Then I blamed the press
You'll never hold me down

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a Signal ping
He sends a war plan link
Then blames the whole damn thing
He sings the songs that remind him of his frat house
He sings the lies that deflect like a louse
Oh, Benghazi
Oh, her emails
Oh, Fast and Furious
Oh, you snowflakes

He texts a target map (He leaks 'em!)
He shares the weapons pack (He sends 'em!)
He adds Jeff G.
Says "Oopsie, my bad, see?"
Typing with thumbs
As the bourbon numbs
Fat-fingered "Add All"
Now Yemen knows it all

I texted war
Then I gaslit hard
You'll never hold me down
I texted war
Then I spun real fast
Still no orange gown

"I was just... you know... multi-tasking...
Running the Pentagon... having a drink...
If I can't share war plans with friends
And random journalists... is this even America?
Was I not… supposed to?
Was the… airstrike thingy… off limits?
I was led to believe… Signal is private.
OPSEC? What's that?
SCIF? Just a chat room
Need-to-know? Everyone!
Clearance? That's no fun!"

He drinks a whiskey drink
He leaks a Yemen strike
Her server? TREASON! LOCK HER UP!
His war plans? Just a little hiccup
He sings the songs that remind him of immunity
He sings the tunes that rewrite reality
Oh, the witch hunt
Oh, I was framed
Oh, the hoax list
Oh, I did great

He gets no court date
He gets no charge
You'll never bring him down
He leaks classified
And winks real large
You'll never bring him down

So raise your glass
To classified sass
Where national secrets
Just need a bourbon pass!
Texted it once
Lied it twice
Pete don't care, just blinks real nice

WhiskeyLeaks

🎶 [VERSE 1 – sloshy banjo, stumbly beat]

Pete had a drink and then he had a couple more,
Logged onto Signal and typed “let’s go to war.”
Hit “Send All” — whoops, added Jeff G.,
Now Yemen’s got the playbook, and look it's casualty-free.

No SCIF, no brief, just vibes and flag pins,
He runs D.O.D. like it’s poker with friends.
War plan went out like holiday memes,
Now the N.S.C. chugs Maalox and screams.

🎶 [CHORUS – hoedown holler with ironic trumpet]

Oopsie daisy, Signal crazy,
Plastered Pete don’t read fine print.
Texted war to Jeffrey G.,
Now the world’s in Yemen’s mint.

Raise your glass and dump the files,
Hoot and holler while justice leaks.
He’s in camo but makes typos —
Welcome y’all… to Whiskeyleaks.

🎶 [VERSE 2 – ragtime piano + fiddly menace]

Remember how Hillary ruined the globe
With a server? (spoiler: no classified code)
But Heggy's in a Signal group chat mess,
With Marco, Tulsi, and “who leaked the address?”

Jeffrey’s like “Uh, guys, I’m a scribe,”
But they kept on texting like “This is the vibe.”
They planned a war like a brunch at the lake,
Now the world’s on fire — was that a mistake?

🎶 [BRIDGE]
“Was that wrong?”
(Was that wrong?)
“Nobody told me I couldn't text an airstrike plan…”
(Nobody told me...)
“I assumed... you know... we all trust each other…”
(trust…each…other…)

🎶 [CHORUS 2 – tambourine + clapping + synth dropout]

Oopsie daisy, laws are hazy
If you ain't got a D on your tag.
Hillary blinked, Pete leaked ops —
Guess treason’s fine with the right flag.
Sip and leak, and blame the press,
“Who gave that journalist access?”
He’s no Snowden, just too lit —
Plastered Pete and his Whiskyleaks. 

🎶 [OUTRO – slow, dramatic fade with soft kazoo]

So raise your flask for national shame,
And toast to cowards who dodge the blame.
He spilled the war and kept his seat...
No orange jumpsuit.
Just Whiskeyleaks.